


Last Romeo

by khelgui



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Romance, Tattooed Hyukjae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-03-09 05:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3238637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khelgui/pseuds/khelgui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“The biggest obstacles in our lives are the barriers our mind creates.”<br/>– Unknown</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

There wasn’t supposed to be anything exceptional about college, he knew that much.

You were there to get a degree, for maybe getting an average job after that; you were there to be a freshman; to make new friends, have fun and probably to attend few parties; you were there to get nice memories with your friends you could laugh with when you failed embarrassingly, to gossip if the girl from the same class as you was single or actually dating your friend’s roommate, and if they would eat lunch at the cafeteria or at the fast food restaurant around the corner.

It was supposed to be simple, tiring, fun, but nonetheless hopefully the best time of your life.

At least for a guy like him, whose life had been just as it should be when he had started college two months ago. He hadn’t thought it would turn his life upside down. He had thought it was supposed to be in high school where kids were trying to find themselves and either end up to the good or the bad side.

Because Donghae was supposed to be good – and _he_ was supposed to be bad.

 

* * *

 

“Wake up!”

He didn’t want to wake up yet. His eyelids felt like they weighted a ton – to be exact he was overall feeling like he had been hit by a truck, thrown into a car wash and rolled down a cliff.

_Just five more minutes...?_

“Hey asshole casserole! We’re gonna be late!”

“Shut up, Kyuhyun...” he growled and tried to turn on his other side, crawling inside his fluffy blanket to escape the inevitable.

“Well, class’s about to start in...” Kyuhyun mumbled and glanced at his wristwatch, “In eight minutes to be exact.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck...!” Donghae sprung out of his bed, immediately rushing to his wardrobe, tossing his Mickey Mouse t-shirt on the floor on the way changing it into a white v-neck, and it didn’t take much longer for him to get into his jeans either.

“I’m really tempted to say ‘I told you so’ again, so I’ll say it,” Kyuhyun snickered whilst he was leaning against the doorjamb of his small apartment where he had dragged his friend after he had gotten a bit too drunk yesterday night. “I told you so. You’re really something, Donghae, have you realized that yet?”

“Shut up, I’m trying to focus. Where’s my emergency-schoolbag?”

“I really thought you were one of those kids who always obediently do their homework and won’t do anything against ‘the rules’. I should’ve known better to not judge a book by its cover.”

“Cho-goddamn-Kyuhyun, where is my phone?” Donghae asked impatiently, bustling all over the living room and over the spare bed made for him once again. He had already managed to spread half of his things there since he was the one to always forget stuff behind; so to make it easier he had almost everything he needed at Kyuhyun’s place these days. Like, an emergency-schoolbag, and the rack dedicated for a bunch of his clothes – like jeans because Kyuhyun’s pants were tested and found way too small for Donghae’s butt to fit.

“Five minutes till Mrs. Jung starts her class...” the guy with curly, brown hair hummed while trying to figure out how their teacher would probably doom them when they’d finally appear to the class.

“Could you at least try to make this any easier for me? I’m not seriously functioning this early.”

“Who ordered you to drink so much beer yesterday?”

Donghae sighed in exasperation and took his hoodie from the backrest of the couch and swung his backpack over his shoulder, picking up his phone which notification light had been flickering from under the couch next to his made-up bed.

“You know what, Cho? I’m giving up. Let’s just go,” Donghae grunted and hurried through the door.

They might be able to make it if they’d just run for their dear lives, since Kyuhyun was fortunately living only 300 meters away from the school ground.

“Run, Forrest, run!” Kyuhyun yelled ahead of him, being the one with the longer legs when Donghae roamed between the other people on the streets, trying to keep up with the brunet.

 “Would you just shut up for once!” he shouted back, ignoring the glances of other people who kept goggling at them like they were  _somehow_  being seriously weird at eight in the morning.

 

 

“Nice bedhead,” Sungmin snickered when the two loudly panting classmates finally entered the class – and surprisingly in time.

“Don’t tease him, he had a rough night,” the curly haired guy said teasingly, grinning wider when he saw Donghae rolling his eyes very theatrically before finally sitting down at the desk. “I just woke him up about nine minutes ago.”

“You were lucky because Mrs. Jung came to open the door before she went to get some supplies because she forgot them at the first place... She had a really hot skirt today by the way...” the blond haired male said dreamily, and it only made the two others to make wry faces.

“Seriously, Min, that’s just gross. Start crushing over people of your own age,” Kyuhyun muttered while furiously tapping a game on his phone.

“You’re just jealous, nerd.” Sungmin slung deeper into his chair, and soon enough started doodling down on the corner of his notebook and judging by the glossy look in his eyes, his mind sailed away into his own fantasies.

Donghae sighed both in boredom and tiredness, sliding his arms against the wooden material of the desk and letting his jaw rest upon them – knowing that it would only make him even more tired than he already was. But to be honest, he was quite used to it already. The frequent hangover-mornings filled with headache and slight nausea, and usually enormous hunger before the lunch break even started.

He always thought he would never end up like this, but now, being able to live by his own and do whatever the hell he wanted, it had already happened in the blink of an eye. He still managed to get to his classes and do his homework and pass all the tests and stuff, so he wasn’t so concerned about that part of being a student. He was more concerned about the feelings that had grown pretty messed up inside him in a mere month and those had led him to parties, and drinking, and making out with random girls, and most importantly, getting the constant fight inside his head on a break.

Donghae wanted out, but the fight didn’t let him. He wanted back to the days when everything was fine and settled and clearly planned out like for most of the people. He wanted to be one of the most of the people like it had always been before.

While acknowledging the rough fact that those thoughts wouldn’t probably leave him alone today either, he brought his hands into his hair and ruffled them in frustration, only to hear how someone walked into the classroom. He automatically turned his head into the newcomer’s way, but when he noticed who it really was, he instantly regretted the gesture when he saw the lean body dressed all in black again.

The jeans were hanging low on those hips while he slid his bag on the floor and started to take off his white sleeved baseball jacket, to reveal the quite slim-fitting t-shirt underneath. The next thing the male did was to sit down onto his seat and check out his phone, probably changing the song blasting from his earbuds.

Donghae couldn’t do else but to stare indirectly at him on row forward and one seat to the right diagonally from him. He wanted to pull his stare away, to close his eyes, shut his brains or just cut his goddamn head off.

He hated it. He _wanted_  to hate him.

He was so different from Donghae, and it scared him. The guy certainly had his own style. His hair was fierce red and bangs long under the black cap, when Donghae’s short hair was colored into a pretty modest golden brown – which didn’t really attract any unnecessary attention. He also had black rimmed, nerdy yet a bit hipster-ish glasses over his almond colored eyes, but even those weren’t really the thing that made him stood out from the others.

It was the  _tattoos_.

The grayscale-colored, detailed and varied pictures along his arms – and despite his young age both of his arms were almost wholly covered in ink. You could probably say his tattoos were a beautiful mix of the old school and general tattooing–style, and he could discern at least a dozen of different things all over them. One of the subjects that really stood out was the gorgeous wolf on his bicep – and the clock and the flowers and the gorgeous background and he could go on forever.

He hated it, but he had been simply too mesmerized from the very beginning when the course had started and he had seen him attending to it. That guy and the mysterious aura had almost taken his breath away, and after that he always found himself stealing glances of him, his tattoos and truthfully almost  _everything_  he did.

Donghae had tried to ignore the ultimate attraction towards the weird guy with the tattoos, the dark glint in his eyes and the essence that just emerged from him.

He was different; he stood out and at the same time he didn’t. He was creative, and he seemed to love everything that was related to arts. Most of the time he seemed to be listening to music and dozing off – but at the same time he seemed to be so  _aware_  about everything that was happening around him. If someone asked something from him, they didn’t need to try twice to get his attention. He didn’t smile a lot, but he wasn’t mean or neither seemed depressed or sad. He was a wallflower, yet he had to be the most magnificent one; the one which had all the interesting details and stole your attention just by a mere glance.

The golden brown haired male knew he was majoring in some sort of digital arts, and that his name was Hyukjae, but that was all about it. He knew nothing else, and he actually thought it was better that way.

He was supposed to hate him because Hyukjae made him think thoughts that should  _never_  have crossed his mind, but he couldn’t help it, and it only got worse when the time had passed by. At first it had been just curiosity about his looks, because he stood out. Then he had found himself engrossed on secretly staring at him, thinking about why he had gotten inked in the first place.

Why a wolf? What did it meant for him? Did the wolf somehow represent himself? Was he sad? Was he intentionally a loner or did he actually have friends? (Later, Donghae had found out that he actually had few friends, so he didn’t seem exactly to be a loner or neither sad anymore to him.)  Where all the ideas for his drawings and paintings were coming from? What was he listening to? Did he prefer rock, classical or metal? Could he be listening to the top pop songs that were played on the radio? What was he thinking all day long? And those were just a pinch of all the questions that had started to fill up Donghae’s mind ever since.

That was how  _dangerous_  Hyukjae actually was.

 

 

Donghae was shaken out from his thoughts when he felt a hard elbow between his ribs. He lifted his gaze upwards to look at Kyuhyun on his right side, who gave him a meaningful gesture with his head towards the teacher’s desk who had already returned without Donghae even noticing. He sat back up straight and side-eyed his friend who was still looking at him like he was an elephant in a porcelain store, giving him a raised eyebrow.

“Why are you dozing off for all the time these days?” Kyuhyun muttered silently to be sure that Mrs. Jung wouldn’t hear them and throw them out of the class before it had even officially started.

The question made Donghae writhe on his seat and lock his eyes on to the ever so interesting desk of his. “It’s just the headache.”

Kyuhyun had a skeptical and disapproving look on his face, but for Donghae’s luck he wasn’t able to retort back because Mrs. Jung let out a cough as a sign that she could start speaking and she  _would_ demand silence with that.

“Good morning, class. I hope you’ve all have slept better than  _one_  of your classmates—“, she started with her usual sarcastic tone, and this time she had decided to take  _Donghae_  as her target of the day. He groaned in embarrassment, well aware of the fact that he had been literally pulled straight from bed to the class. He could hear his classmates’ snickers and chuckles around and their teacher’s judging hawk-eyes upon him so he drew his hood over his tousled bedhead, hoping to disappear. “—because now it’s time for a new project! This time though, you’re going to work in pairs, so I expect you to get along with the pair I’ve chosen for everyone. And yes you heard right, I’ve decided the pairs already so you don’t need to waste our precious time for that today.”

When she heard the students groaning, a lopsided smile appeared on her face immediately. Everyone knew by now that Mrs. Jung  _had_  to be a sadist because her smile always grew wider when she heard her students groaning and whining in frustration.

Donghae also knew that by a fact because one time she had picked him to be a model for the others to make quick sketches, and it had not been very enjoyable since she had only made him do very uncomfortable poses and stand still for unforgivable minutes to the point his legs had gone totally numb.

“So, what is this project you’re talking about Mrs. Jung? I hope I’ve been paired with  _you_?” Sungmin suddenly asked, mischievous grin on his lips and hand brushing through his blond hair in attempt to use his charms on their teacher. Mrs. Jung had a sheaf of papers on her hold when she turned to look at Sungmin, her eyes piercing through the young man and the bun of hair up on his occipital so tight that she resembled more like a prosecutor than a teacher.

Donghae was sure that she had been forced to become a teacher – otherwise she had actually wanted to be a teacher so she could make her students’ lives a living hell on earth.

“I’m afraid that you’ve been paired with someone else, Sungmin,” she said, and took confident steps away from the desk, handing out a paper for everyone, which consisted of three different subjects for the project for each pair. When she reached their row, and placed the paper on Sungmin’s desk and shot a ridiculed look at him, Donghae swore he could see the blond holding his breath and his cheeks getting redder. He rolled his eyes, unbelieving how their classmate could have such a huge crush for that hag who only wanted to embarrass them.

“But to answer the actual question, in this project your instrument is a  _camera_  – and any kind of camera, if you wish. You can use our school’s SLRs, your own, a web camera, tripod, your phone...as long as you’ll take pictures. You can mix different types of cameras, but be sure that the pictures will actually match in the end result. This  _will_  affect your course grade and we’ll hold an exhibition of your photos so please do smart decisions with whatever you’re photographing of.”

Donghae wasn’t listening so attentively anymore when his eyes had landed on the paper, and the three topics under the main title of the project, and most importantly, on his partner’s name beside his on top of the sheet.

 

_Lee Donghae & Lee Hyukjae_

 

**_SELF PORTRAITS_ **   
  


_**YOUNG ME / NOW ME** _

_Choose 5 photos from your childhoods and “retake” the photos. The style is free, but make sure they’ll resemble each other enough. A total of 10 photos._

_**A DAY IN THE LIFE** _

_Shoot your partner’s whole day in 10 photos. Try not to stage your photos too much. Seek for different emotions, movements and angle of view._

_**THE TWO** _

_Take 5 pictures of you two together in the same photo in monochrome._

 

He could almost feel the blood disappear off from his face.

He couldn’t do this.

“You’re deadline is in 4 weeks from now. The 5th and last week of the course is dedicated for planning and preparing the exhibition. For that time you’re dismissed from this class and I hope you use your free time well to carry out your projects. The classroom and school’s supplies are free to use if needed,” Mrs. Jung said, ending the class and most of the students started to look for their designated partner, talking loudly and with a different kind of interest already.

Donghae couldn’t find the strength to move before he saw that the red head had started to collect his things and he suddenly rushed to their teacher. “Mrs. Jung!”

She was already on her way out when Donghae managed to stop her, and she gave him a criticizing glare before he was able to say a word.

“Mrs. Jung,” the brunet squeaked quietly, glancing over his supposed to be partner who stood on his place, staring back at Donghae in wonder. He quickly turned his gaze back to the woman, trying to find the right words to make a difference. “I can’t do this.”

“And why is that, Donghae? I won’t allow any exceptions,” she answered sternly, eyes narrowing in doubt.

“I can’t do this!” he hissed, but immediately shrunk in place because of Mrs. Jung’s glare of doom. “I just... Can’t I do this alone? This once?”

“No, Donghae, you can’t. If you don’t get along, you guys have to find a way to work it out. No exceptions. You’ll get a fail grade if you don’t participate.”

“It’s not that we don’t get along, I just—“

“No exceptions,” she cut him at middle sentence, pointing her index finger painfully onto the boy’s chest, making him gulp in anxiety after she left, her heels clacking against the hallway floor. He literally wanted to wail in frustration, because he wasn’t  _ready_  for this. Hyukjae was already making his life a mess, and now even this? How was he supposed to cope up with the budding identity crisis when he should be doing a project with his terrifying male-crush? He wasn’t gay for fuck’s sake.

And for fuck’s sake this definitely wasn’t going to help.

 

 

“Donghae...?”

He was biting his lip when he heard a voice that sent shivers coursing along his spine, which made his teeth sink into the skin even harder. He batted his eyelids furiously to avoid the tears of pain in his eyes.

“Nghh?” The sound emitting from his throat was something weird between a cough, a groan and a hum, and he wanted to care less but he felt like an idiot when the guy with dark glasses looked at him questioningly, other earbud still tucked into his ear when the other hung freely over his upper body. He couldn’t really tell what the guy wanted to say with the look on his face.

“You’re Donghae right?” he asked, a bit awkwardly, bringing his free hand that wasn’t holding onto his bag up to his nape to scratch the nonexistent itch.

“Uh,” he pulled his hood off from his head, but when he realized his hair probably looked horrible he immediately pulled it back up. “Uh, I mean, yeah. I am.”

“You’re  _also_  my pair, right?”

“S-seems like it,” he stuttered, closing his eyes in disbelief for his own reactions. He didn’t know how to act, to be honest. He wasn’t sure how he wanted to be seen. Would it be better if he’d act distant with Hyukjae? But it would most likely affect his grade, and he wasn’t so sure if he wanted to fail after only two months of college. But still...it was just a course. Did it matter that much? Where was his confident self when he needed it the most?

Maybe because of the turmoil inside Donghae’s head, the look on Hyukjae’s face hardened a little, assuming that by any chance the golden brown haired boy didn’t really want to work with him. Hyukjae sighed, tilting his head to his side in slight irritation.

“You may not want to work with me, but could we at least try to produce something worthwhile? I don’t want to fail this class just because you don’t like me, and as much as I was able to hear, you don’t really want either,” Hyukjae assumed.

He didn’t know much about Donghae, but now he seemed to be a guy who took the fun out of college parties. It was inevitable to hear about the rumors going around telling how Donghae had been drinking and making out with some freshman girls. And the alcohol also seemed to bring out a loud guy who liked to be in the center of attention and break a heart after heart with every new girl he had during the parties. Hyukjae wasn’t sure if  _that_  was exactly what Donghae really was, or if he tried to drown something else into it. At the beginning of the semester he barely had noticed him, though the first time he had seen him, he couldn’t disagree the fact that he  _was_  handsome; maybe not in the manliest way, but in the boyish, lively and adorkable way. Nowadays he wasn’t so sure anymore, although he seemed to still act pretty decent when he was in school. But when school ended and weekend started, the different Donghae usually popped out.

“So could we just—,” he exhaled heavily, his whole posture falling down a bit, “—try to stand each other for this time?”

When Donghae realized the thin shade of  _hurt_  in the slightly taller boy’s eyes, he bit his lip even though it still ached.

He wanted to say that it was not because he didn’t like him, but because he was afraid that he would start liking even more than was acceptable. Actually, he already did. That was the thing that made him struggle with the feelings and common sense constantly trying to tell him different things. He was just too much of a coward to even  _admit_  that in his fearful eyes Hyukjae was so fucking gorgeous.

But sense always won over his sensibility.

“Yeah, I guess,” he muttered indifferently, leaning more of his weight on his other foot, eyes sailing somewhere around the walls.

He really hated this, and the look on the red head’s dark eyes, because he was most definitely the cause of it. He wasn’t an asshole in the first place, but being the freaking scaredy cat he was changed him into that.

Hyukjae pursed his lips and lifted his hand and the phone on it upwards, obviously opening the lock and tapping to find something from it.

“Well, could you give me your number or something so I can contact you?”

Donghae shrugged, and took the white iPhone, making sure their fingers wouldn’t brush. He wouldn’t have been able to handle that at the moment. He typed his number and returned it, still cautious about any skinship, so when Hyukjae took it he instantly pulled his hand off. He didn’t see and didn’t even want to see the frown on the other’s face.

“So, when do you think you’re free so we can get this over with?” Hyukjae asked, and when Donghae finally gave him a look he saw the biting of the plump lips and the tiredness on the guy. He felt bad, really. He wanted to ignore the ache below his skin but he couldn’t.

The golden haired was actually free today already, but he didn’t want to face Hyukjae again today even if it was the most cowardly thing to do. “Maybe tomorrow?” he started, tucking his hands into his pockets and swaying lightly on his feet.

“I’ll text you, okay?”

Donghae nodded. He wanted to run away. Disappear. Dig his way to China, or anything to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling that seemed to eat him alive inside. Yet he couldn’t.

“See you then. Well, bye,” the tattooed guy said, turning his gaze immediately away from Donghae who shrunk a size smaller when it was only Hyukjae’s backside anymore he was able to see.

He thought he was probably going to die because of how much it ached to act like a total shithead, and how much Hyukjae was able to make his heart flutter at the same time. When the male finally disappeared from his sight, he was finally able to breathe again. He swallowed audibly, hitting himself onto his thigh in frustration. While violently abusing his lip he noticed how two of his friends walked out of the classroom, bickering about something Donghae couldn’t care at the moment.

When Kyuhyun and Sungmin finally noticed him, the taller of the two raised his eyebrow, surprised because of Donghae’s essence that radiated something very confusing even to him.

“What’s your problem?”

“Nothing,” Donghae growled quietly, “Let’s just go eat. I’m starving.” He actually wanted to eat a shit load of just anything – most preferably a bucket of ice cream and hide under a blanket and watch stupid cartoons for the rest of the day.

“Sure...?” Kyuhyun mumbled back, sharing a look with the blond beside him.

“Guess who I got as my pair?” Sungmin babbled enthusiastically after the few tensed minutes had passed.

“Who?” Donghae asked, though he wasn’t a bit interested in the answer to be honest.

“This asshole nerd here, can you believe it?” Sungmin laughed, and took Kyuhyun in the hook of his arm, ruffling his head and making the other groan. “Who’s yours?”

“Lee- _fucking-_ Hyukjae.”


	2. Chapter 2

He was already nervous about the next day and the inevitable fact that he would have to face Hyukjae again, and be able to actually work with him too. Donghae had really tried to think and coach himself that he could pull it through, but he wasn’t too sure about it to actually happen.

At the same time when somewhere deep inside his heart he was excited about the whole thing, the most of him was only dreading it more than anything – and those thoughts were already making him feel insane, because the voice inside his head –  which sounded pretty much like his father – didn’t seem to leave him alone at all.

Donghae was a coward and he acknowledged it very well. He wanted to change himself back to normal when thoughts like these wouldn’t harass him like this, and when he didn’t even need to be aware of all these horrifying new feelings when he knew they were wrong. It was really hard to get his thoughts straight again – quite literally – when he simply couldn’t stop thinking about the tattooed boy and all those little details that made him so freaking interesting. He felt like he was constantly vacillating on the edge where on the other side was the ordinary familiarity, when the new, inscrutable land was on the other side. And he didn’t know where to actually put his foot on, when all the things he knew about where the things that in fact kept him standing. If he would dare to step on the other side, he was sure he would be all by his own and that was one of the reasons why he couldn’t actually take the step to the unknown even for exploring it a bit.

When the golden brunet had gotten home after hanging around with Kyuhyun and Sungmin after school, he was all alone with his mind again when he stepped inside the penthouse that belonged to his family. There were no lights on when his parents were working late, as always, and their housekeeper had also left home already. The house was empty and hollow, and although Donghae had pretty much gotten used to it along the years, he would have preferred some company.

Exhaling and taking his bag he strolled towards the open kitchen, grapping himself a bottle of Cola before going up the stairs to the second floor where his own room was. He didn’t bother to put on the lights until he got into his own bedroom, flipping the light switch lazily and tossing his bag on top of his king-sized bed until he threw himself on it too and rolled over onto his stomach.

His room was spacious to say at least, and in addition to his big bed he had ordinary things for a student, but there was also a divan on the other end of his room in front of the wide TV, the shelf and all the electronics included. Three of his walls were painted in smoky, light gray color and one into really dark, almost black. His mother had insisted on redecorating it after he graduated from high school  _–_  and although he had been a little bit skeptic about it at first, now he had to admit that he really liked it better compared to the previous that had indeed looked more like a teenager’s room. Now it was a bit more moderate and mature, since he was already nineteen anyway.

But nowadays he didn’t like to spend time in his big room alone, when he was left at the mercy of his own head.

He had been lost in his thoughts for the whole day, thinking about his upcoming approach with the red head, contemplating what he should really do with it. Yet he knew that there was no way out of this without communicating with Hyukjae, and communicating would mean that he’d get to know him better, and that would probably lead to the point where he would find himself falling even deeper. He already liked him to the point where he almost wanted to vomit because his presence was so intoxicating; enough to make his head and even his insides feel like a fucking mess.

The boy took his fluffy pillow and lifted it upon his occipital, ending up kicking the mattress and screaming into it violently in frustration. Huffing and turning back onto his back he stared the ceiling with a deep scowl, mind swirling in anger and desperation.

He had already acted quite maliciously towards the red head, and although it felt bad, he couldn’t find any other way to act with the guy. It was easier said than done, but changing his crush into hate seemed to be the easiest way to get out of this. Because if he would act normally, Hyukjae might actually start to think that Donghae was a nice guy to spend time with, and hell, he didn’t want to be  _friends_  with him, and nothing else either.

Being anything with Hyukjae was too much of a risk to fall in love with him – and Donghae wasn’t someone to fall in love with a guy. That was just beyond the world he had learned to live in.

The brunet sat back up, grabbing the bottle from his left and opening it as roughly as he sometimes opened beer cans. He took a big mouthful of the acidic liquid; feeling how it burned his throat after swallowing, and how it made him crave for a simple bottle of beer, soju, or any kind of alcoholic drink to be honest. He wanted to have the light-headed feeling again, when he could so easily bury all the storming inside his head within it. It made him feel  _free_   _–_  except the fact that he would end up making out with unfamiliar girls he would never be even interested in. But anything would be better than listening to the battle between the right and wrong within him.

 

 

Donghae didn’t really want to think about anything related to Hyukjae, so he brought his hand to his front pocket and pulled out his expensive phone his father had given him not a long while ago. He unlocked it, and browsed for a certain number – even when he knew his father was still at work – and dialed him. For a good while he waited for the man to pick up, and when he already started to think about hanging up, he finally heard the sound for someone answering with a grunt of ‘hello’.

“Hi dad,” Donghae said simply, falling back onto his back.

“Haven’t I said that you shouldn’t call me when I’m working? Just your luck that I don’t have anything too important at the moment,” his father said with a slightly stern tone, which altogether was nothing unusual for his son.

“Sorry.”

“Well, what is it? Is everything okay?”

The golden brown haired boy bit his lip, and for a second he saw Hyukjae’s face behind his eyes and he shook his head abruptly to get off the image. “Uh, yes. I’m fine. I just called to ask, if we have any SLR at home? I mean, I’m having this photography course and well, it’s kind of a necessity...” he mumbled, swirling a strand of hair around his finger in thought, with a little frown on his forehead.

“Photography...?”

Donghae knew that his father didn’t really appreciate any kind of art, and it had been a big thing for his son to insist on studying anything related to that in college, when he could have also done something more ‘ _meaningful_ ’.

So every time when he heard that specific kind of annoyed tone of his father, he always felt really uncomfortable even though they had already accepted their son’s desire to study film production.

“I-it’s just an elective course of five weeks. But you know, I want to have a good grade either way,” he answered with uncertainty, but while knowing that even if his father may have given him the permission, it still didn’t mean that he would actually like the fact. Donghae bit his tongue, impatiently waiting for a reply.

At first there came the low hum to tell that the man was acknowledging the information, but was now thinking about it and Donghae shouldn’t interrupt that. After a minute of silence, his father finally asked; “When would you need it?”

“Uh, my pair was hoping tomorrow...”

“Then who is your pair? What’s the project about?”

Donghae swallowed, drowning in his anxiety because he needed to talk about  _him_. “H-he’s my classmate... You haven’t met him,” he grumbled, hoping that he wouldn’t need to tell more. “We are taking self-portraits.”

“We do have a SLR at home but it’s quite old, so I think it’s for the best if I buy you a new one. You’ll have it by tomorrow, but I’m working late so you need to wait till morning.”

With that, Donghae let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks dad.” But it was not for getting the camera, but more for his father not starting an argument about his study preferences.

“Alright, Donghae, I have to continue working. And you should probably be studying.”

“Yeah. But uh...dad, are you working late for the whole week...?” the brunet asked, slightly embarrassed, because by all means he still missed his father despite his strictness. The man was always working late and going on business trips, and the same was with his mother, so it was more like a rule than an exception for him to be home alone for the most of the time. He sometimes hoped he could still be the eight year old himself, when his parents were still spending time with him. Now, it had been probably years since the last time they actually did anything together as a family.

With a hint of loneliness in his eyes, he glanced towards his dresser where on top of it was a photograph of him and his father, from the time he was still in elementary school and they went to Japan for holiday. In the thick, black frames he could see wide smiles, a younger looking father and a happy son with a big plushie from Disneyland on his hands, while his mother had been behind the camera.

“I’m actually leaving for a business trip the day after tomorrow, early in the morning. I’ll be away for almost two weeks,” the man said, now with a gentler tone that Donghae almost missed from hearing.

Gritting his teeth, the boy tried to keep his emotions in shape. “O-oh, okay.”

There was a moment of silence, the bit of an awkward kind, when neither of them didn’t know how to say out loud those things mingling in their minds.

“I have to go now,” the older man, closer to his fifties, said, and Donghae hummed in response.

“Sure.”

“Get back to your homework. You sure have a lot of them. Well, good night, Donghae.”

“Good night, dad.”

With that the call was disconnected, and Donghae lowered his hand from his ear, letting the smart phone fall beside him on the mattress. And with a sigh, he decided to actually get onto his homework to get his mind off the things he didn’t really want to think about.

 

 

Donghae was at the class were they were listening to their teacher talking about the history of film production, and to be honest, he was only partly listening. Most of the time he was dozing off, wholly sunken into his own thoughts from the possible lunch options to no else but Hyukjae, to tattoos, and movies like  _Pulp Fiction_  he had watched not a long while ago, because another of his teachers had told his students to take a look at it.

The monotonic voice of their male teacher wasn’t helping at all, and the brunet was lazily leaning against his desk, his attention deeply on his phone although there hadn’t been any new text messages after two hours when Sungmin had last texted to him.

But while playing Angry Birds, and failing almost every time on that certain level, his phone suddenly buzzed. Donghae almost got a shock because of that since he hadn’t been expecting anyone to actually be as bored as him. He stopped the game  _–_  not really caring to save his scores because as a matter of fact he sucked at it  _–_  and went to check out his instant messages, finding an unfamiliar number, but soon realizing the sender’s identity to be no other than Hyukjae’s.

He decided to save the number  _–_ although he preferred not to  _–_  when he couldn’t actually run away from him if he wanted to actually get any grade from the course.

At first, he found himself typing, but when acknowledged what he was actually writing, he instantly deleted everything he had typed. He didn’t just write ‘ _Tattoo Sexy’_ , no way. He could almost feel some smoke escaping from his ears when he tried to get a hold of himself before deciding to call him ‘ _Weirdo_ ’ instead.

Weirdo:  _So, could we start working with our project today?_

Weirdo:  _I’m free at 3pm._

He didn’t know what to answer. He didn’t  _want_ to answer.

He typed:  _Yeah, I guess._

Donghae almost jumped when the reply came faster than he thought it would come.

Weirdo:  _You really don’t like me, do you?_

Donghae:  _Nope._

Weirdo:  _What could I have possibly done to deserve to be disliked by you?_

The air seemed to hitch on his throat, and he could vividly imagine the frown on the red head’s face from yesterday after treating him like that, and for god’s sake he didn’t really want to make the guy look like that when there wasn’t even a proper reason to act so, nevertheless how much he wanted to just hate him.

Donghae:  _Go figure._

Donghae: _I’m free at the same time, anyhow._

Weirdo:  _I’ll see you at the gate okay? You shouldn’t eat so many lemons – they make your face look sour._

Donghae:  _Ha. Ha. Go fuck yourself._

Weirdo: _Maybe later._

Weirdo: _Asshole._

 

 

Donghae was pretty sure that the saying “ _When life gives you lemons—“_  should have ended with “— _make some lemonade...and add lots of vodka_ ” and it could have been the aphorism of his life at the moment.

He didn’t want to sound like an alcoholic – because he wasn’t one, at least not yet, hopefully – but nowadays he constantly desired for a glass of the  _escape-route in the composition of liquid_. It was so easy, way too easy, to just grab a glass, and another, and third, and sixth, and eventually forget everything else he’d been thinking or dreaming about.

Like the guy with the tattoos. Maybe he should write a book with a title of ‘ _The guy with the canine tattoo_ ’. Yeah, that would be too corny. He didn’t even know how to write nicely. His handwriting looked like footprints of a raven, or some other extinct animal, or a bird, with nine-toes or two left feet or something. And he wouldn't even start when it came to computers. There had to be some kind of black magic involved because any computer or laptop he even dared to touch would stop working no matter what.

He didn’t want to act like a kid who had just lost his mommy in the grocery store, but he really felt as miserable as that when the last class of the day unfortunately came to an end. Their teacher ordered them to read the next chapter of their book very carefully, leaving the class with the few others who were first to dismiss themselves. Donghae didn’t even want to stand up from his seat, but when the clock dangerously started to near six minutes past three, he didn’t see any other option. Even if he would retreat from the backdoor this time, he couldn’t stop coming from school after that. He would have to face Hyukjae, and the god-fucking-photographing project that was really making him want to go home crying and hibernate over the winter, hopefully over all of his college years.

He simply wasn’t ready to go to Hyukjae and ‘expose’ himself to him through the lens of a camera, literally.

There was just too much to lose.

While mentally already beaten up, he slowly started to gather his things when there were just few other students left. He took his bag and exited the class room, feeling how the lump inside his throat was only growing fonder and how the bitter taste of nervousness felt like it was crawling up on it.

It had never been like this with any other guy. Then why the whole thought was like a huge parasite for him now?

Never had the hallways felt so short than today; never had the air felt so dense that he started to think if the pollution could actually kill him; and never had the gates of the school seemed so much like the gates of hell. Maybe it would be the devil himself welcoming him in?

Donghae had never ever felt so uncomfortable before.

Not even when he had been almost getting a blowjob from a girl who had been even quite hot and he hadn’t been able to get it up. Not even when he had managed to make her cry because he might have said something mean to her because of it. He couldn’t recall – and he didn’t really want to.

 

 

It wasn’t hard to discern the black figure leaning against the iron gates, red hair mostly hidden under his cap and the lenses of his glasses a bit steamed from the freezing weather – after he had most likely exhaled heavily through his pinkish nose while waiting for him. When he was unfortunately getting closer, he could also see the slice of milky skin gleaming from the collar of his sweater under the jacket. His eyes immediately followed the black lines on it, trying to figure out what kind of piece of tattoo there actually was under the fabric. 

How could anyone look so good like that? It shouldn’t be possible.

Breathing heavy and uneven his body almost jerked when he stopped in front of the guy – who was eyeing him darkly with suspicion.

With only using some of his abdominal muscles, he pushed his back straight off the brick wall beside the gates. “You’re late,” the male huffed, evidently a little bit annoyed and hoping for an explanation, yet knowing he would probably not get any proper one.

“I had things to do,” Donghae muttered incoherently, pinching the fabric of his greyish blue jeans around his pocket where he kept his phone, maybe keys and stuff. He tried to ignore the almost unnoticeable trembling of his legs, but it was seriously pointless; it only made him feel like that he’d started to shake even more when he was trying to steady himself.

Hyukjae had turned his eyes away towards the buzzing street on their other side, leaving Donghae in the silence to wonder what the red head was thinking about. It felt awkward and irritating, but both of them were way too stubborn to let out the first words – like it the initiative would mean  _losing_. He didn’t know what exactly they were battling of, but he was sure one of the reasons was his actions the day before and even today.

In the end neither of them said anything, but Hyukjae was the first one to start walking along the street further away from their school. Whilst Donghae decided to follow him, his eyes wandered around the other’s posture, wondering how hard it actually was to understand the red haired guy. He seemed confident in a way, but somehow quite uncertain about something, yet he was impossibly calm-natured and almost indifferent towards the boy trailing after him.

They didn’t share a word before they arrived on to a busier street filled up with different cafés and delis and little grocery stores. He didn’t have an idea what they were doing there until he couldn’t stand the dubiety around them anymore.

“Where are we going?” he said with furrowed eyebrows, brown eyes impatient and doubtful.

“You didn’t say anything so I thought it didn’t matter,” Hyukjae answered with a shrug.

It made the brunet irritated even more, but not exactly because of the other’s answer, but more of because Hyukjae didn’t even look at him while talking.

“You didn’t even a—“

“Do you drink coffee?”

Hyukjae’s question could have hit him with a board. Where was that even coming from? Well, yeah, he drank every day, but what did it have to do with anything? His eyebrows sunk even deeper, but his eyes had probably widened to a size of saucers.

“Wait here.”

 _Okay._ “But wh—“

He was left outside on the street when the guy so suddenly disappeared into one of the coffee shops. He was trying to search him through the window, but he couldn’t see much because of the other street and store lights were disturbing the sight.

In all his confusion he couldn’t do much but to follow the people passing by with his eyes, and to busy his mind with everything happening around him. He saw a little girl on the other side of the street, pulling her mother after him towards something she seemed very enthusiastic about, and he saw a bunch of junior high –aged boys laughing and giggling about something they seemed to be watching from the smartphone of one of them. His gaze trailed here and there, eventually landing on a young male, probably still in high school, standing on the other side of the street beside a shop which windows were illuminated with a warm light. It didn’t take long for another boy to appear, and when he did, he wasn’t sure what to think of when he saw the rare kind of wide smile on the other’s face.

When he saw them hugging, he swallowed and turned his stare away, now realizing how the snow had actually started to slowly fall down when the flakes on his reddened cheeks were melting against his skin.

There were so many things he couldn’t understand about himself—about  _anything_.

The golden brown strands of his were already reaching his eyelashes, and the tickling sensation made him wipe the slightly damp strands off his face and pull the hood on his head by habit. He then heard the bell of the shop chinking nearby, but he only noticed his pair to be back when he smelled the scent of fresh coffee coming next to him.

“Dude,” Hyukjae muttered, “You want your coffee or not?”

The almond eyes were looking at him almost mockingly, or more like annoyed. The gaze was stiff, but not overly so. Donghae wasn’t a genius when it came to reading emotions, but he would have guessed there was also something else. But it was a bit too much already for him to understand further.

He was acting like a brainless brick when the other was handing him the takeaway cup and he still didn’t manage to pick it up.

Why was Hyukjae doing this?

“Do I need to be a Good Samaritan to offer you free coffee or what?”

After that, he finally grabbed the cup to himself, looking at it like it could have been an alien from the outer space.

The red head scoffed, and with a grunt Donghae took a cautious sip of the drink.

“I didn’t even add anything nasty in it,” Hyukjae then said after the brunet had taken a few sips while they were walking, just strolling forward. The red head didn’t laugh out loud, but his eyes weren’t so tense anymore when Donghae shot a vicious glare at him. “But even though I just bought you a coffee, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still an asshole, Donghae.”

Despite the small catty grin, he couldn’t find himself feel offended.

“I hope you choke on your coffee,” he grumbled back in annoyance. His mind was definitely not available for purchase with a mere takeaway coffee, and he wondered how would have the red head reacted if he’d just thrown it away. Like he ever could have said no to a cup of caffeine though.

 

 

After five minutes of mostly focusing on destroying their hot drinks the one with the baseball jacket got again enough of their silence – that only felt it was causing quiet bewilderment in both of them – and hoped that maybe it wouldn’t be such a disaster to work with Donghae. He didn’t want to get his hopes up too high, but there was the mutual understanding about the fact that neither of them didn’t want to fail their class. Be it the only reason to get something done, he didn’t care as long as they indeed got the project ready before the deadline.

He still didn’t know what opinion he had about Donghae even now. It was clear that there was some sort of negative electricity between them, but the question was that he didn’t know why though. Was it just because they were so different; especially because he was what he was with his tattoos, when Donghae was...well, real high roller? It was fine for him, because they didn’t need to be friends. They just had to get along enough to be able to work together.

He had decided to go with indifference and tolerance. It was probably for the best anyway.

Hyukjae side-eyed the other male and sighed when he saw the bored expression on Donghae’s face. He abruptly stopped on his tracks before he got his mouth open.

“You know, the project isn’t going to get done by itself.”

Donghae halted on his tracks too, turning his attention to the one with the glasses on his nose.

“Do you have a camera?” Hyukjae inquired.

“Yeah.”

“Good. I have my own with me too. So, shall we go to your place or mine?”

In Donghae's opinion, neither one of the opinions was a good one.

 


	3. Chapter 3

The lobby of the building had already explained him quite a lot about Donghae’s family lifestyle before the elevator had taken them to the 21st floor. The black marble floor gleamed without a single stain on it, and all the doors along the hallway had digital locks that had little blue screens welcoming you in when the correct series of numbers was tapped down.

Donghae went in first. The red head came right behind him, eyes taking a look of his new surroundings. The sun had already set down, so the apartment was only bathing in darkness until Donghae’s fingers reached for the switch obviously by a habit. Hyukjae strolled after the boy, who left his branded sneakers lying around the hallway, hung his jacket on the hook of the clothing racket and made his way more into the house he lived in. It was almost as the red head had expected the male to live like; big, spacious and expensive apartment condominium what seemed to have been decorated mostly with modern, western style furniture and simple, black and white color scheme. It was obvious that they had some kind of a housekeeper, and that his parents were probably working a lot because it was so clean everywhere. The sight gave him clear hints about what Donghae’s life actually was.

They had money. But did they have anything else besides it?

“Well,” Donghae suddenly started talking with an awkward cough, eyes hammered on Hyukjae who was still observing his surroundings quietly. “I guess we should go to my room. If you want something to drink or you’re hungry, just grab something for yourself from the kitchen...”

His classmate didn’t even spare another look at his guest before he went on. The one with the glasses still on his nose followed, expecting Donghae to be going ahead towards the kitchen. It seemed to be so when he arrived at the opening where you would see the living room from it and other way around.

Once the brunet had gotten a bottle of Cola for himself, he decided to take one too, since Donghae seemed to be indifferent about Hyukjae’s decision. When he opened the fridge, he immediately took a note of the fact that there wasn’t much anything in it. There were mostly just some daily necessaries and soft drinks, and few boxes of contained meals. When he closed the fridge’s door, Hyukjae realized that Donghae had already disappeared towards the stairs at the end of the short hallway, when he found himself alone in the kitchen colored with black and red . He wasn’t sure what to think about of all these revelations, although he had subconsciously assumed something like this from the very beginning. The guy seemed to have everything he needed, yet he easily knew something was missing. He just didn’t know what.

But he would find out.

 

 

The brunet sat down on a swivel armchair next to his desk when Hyukjae arrived into the room a minute later. Donghae’s eyes followed how the guy dumped his backpack on top of his bed while the almond orbs behind the dark glasses kept observing his surroundings. However, he couldn’t prevent his eyes darting to the male’s arms when Hyukjae only had this short sleeved shirt on him anymore. He was always so easily mesmerized by the sight when every time he looked at the tattoos it seemed like all the hidden images popped out for him to finally gaze at. Donghae bit his lip, hard, when all sense seemed to disappear out of his head with a puff of white smoke when Hyukjae was there like that; so close but still entirely untouchable. He didn’t even take a note of the carton box on top his desk..

Hyukjae wasn’t amazed because of all the things in Donghae’s room he could never afford at least at this time of his life. But it didn’t go unnoticed how plain his room was, and how there weren’t much personal belongings on display. He turned his eyes towards the owner of the room, and the table where he saw the camera box.

Donghae clicked his tongue, eyes definitely asking ‘what now’.

The red head then stood up and walked closer, and Donghae’s eyebrows furrowed down. Only when Hyukjae lifted up the item he realized that it had to be the new camera his father had promised to get for him. He hadn’t even remembered the whole thing when his head had been so goddamn occupied with the whole matter of doing a project with Hyukjae.

Hyukjae turned the box on his hands with questioning look over his face. “You haven’t even opened this?” It definitely wasn’t the cheapest SLR in the stores, but a good one even a more experienced photographer could have used. As in he could have used that. He gave a glance to Donghae on the chair who instantly gazed back at him with a new-found curiosity.

“I just got it,” Donghae grunted, swinging around a tad nervously on his chair. “My dad must have brought it here while I was at school.”

Almost rolling his eyes he handed the box down to its rightful owner.

“Do you seriously even photograph except for this project?”

It wasn’t hard to notice the little scowl from his face. “I can start now,” he grumbled with annoyance.

“Of course... You really even don’t and your father got you this. Should have known. Sorry for asking,” Hyukjae retorted with a slightly criticizing look.

Did this guy always get everything he wanted just by asking?

“Really now?”

Donghae gave him a judgemental look, but he ignored it. When it came clear to him that he wasn't going to say more, the brunet opened the box on his lap and started to unravel his new toy.

Donghae gave him an annoyed glare, but he ignored it. Hyukjae twiddled a pen between his fingers which he had snatched from the boy’s table, eyes hammered to it whilst waiting for something to happen. However, when his companion had been occupied with the digital camera for few minutes, he had started to get impatient. But for his surprise Donghae succeeded to open his mouth before he was able to utter a single word about his boredom.

“So, what are we going to do?”

The red haired put down the ballpoint pen from his fingers. “Well. The childhood pictures would be okay to start with,” he thought out loud, “Hopefully you have some photos we can actually recreate. I’ll take your pictures today, and some other day you take mine, okay?”

“Okay,” Donghae said with a nod, placing his new camera back on the table and standing up in attempt to think clearer. He hadn’t seen any photos in a while, and he wasn’t even sure where they were stored. With a scratch on his golden brown hair, he memorized seeing some albums in the shelves in their living room. He wasn’t sure though, but it was better than nothing. “I think we might have some downstairs...”

 

 

“This is uncomfortable.”

“Just keep your face against the table,” Hyukjae said casually while a small grin was spread on his lips when he searched for the right angle through the camera’s viewfinder. They had found few of Donghae’s childhood pictures, and they had taken some of them for testing how they would actually look like. Like Hyukjae had mentioned a short while ago, it was better to take extra pictures so they would eventually only need to choose from the best they’d come up with.

This certain picture was one where Donghae had been approximately four years old, fallen asleep on the dinner table while eating his supper that consisted of sorts of sugary cereals. That had been a photo Hyukjae had actually snickered at, which had only caused the brunet to punch his arm.

“You just enjoy humiliating me,” Donghae grumbled, trying to keep his head on the right position although he was already pretty frustrated because of the whole project even though Hyukjae was a natural photographer and only happened to take good pictures.

“Maybe. No, yes,” the red head said, humming. “Close your eyes,” he continued softly, surprising the other, but Donghae obeyed, soon hearing how the camera clicked again.

“Please tell me it was the last one...” Donghae groaned.

Hyukjae checked the picture, chuckling to himself. It was almost identical, when Donghae had even found a t-shirt pretty similar in color compared to the photo from the past.

Till now, they had pretty much only tried to get at least something done. It wasn’t the easiest things to do, anyhow, when they weren’t exactly agreeing about quite a few subjects. Donghae wasn’t even sure why they had ended up at his place in the end. Hyukjae had pretty much insisted, because the boy had said that he would have to really look for some photos from his childhood since there weren’t so many he was aware of. Not that Donghae had such a countless amount either, at least after he’d turned twelve years old. But evidently his photos were better than nothing for now, although he didn’t really feel comfortable while being the one photographed of.

He wasn’t sure what to feel at this point though. He tried to remain his cold and snarky attitude, but for his huge surprise, there was something about Hyukjae that calmed him down. He for sure acted aloof, and usually ended up bickering about something, or scowling to the red head. While trying to focus on the pictures, he had almost been able to ignore the uncomfortable fluttering inside him until the tattooed male happened to do something that caught his entire attention.

He had started to really get frustrated and slightly nervous again. He had lowered his shield, and he didn’t like it. He felt vulnerable with Hyukjae.

Slowly getting annoyed, Donghae raised his head from the table, and in the exact moment he saw and heard how the shutter was released and one more photo was taken.

“Why’d you take that?” he inquired, frowning when he knew that it wouldn’t be anything like the one they were trying to copy.

“Just for fun. You looked funny,” Hyukjae muttered with a little sheepish smile, eyes focused back on the camera’s digital screen.

“Jeez... I don’t understand why I did choose a photography class...” the brunet grunted, turning his eyes away from the guy with the digital camera on his hands, although he kept stealing glances of him.

However, Donghae almost jumped on his chair when he heard how a key was turned in their front door’s lock. The door opened shortly after that, and Donghae felt himself getting edgy when he understood that it had to be another of his parents. The nervousness was instantly back, and he couldn’t stop thinking that there shouldn’t be no-one coming home this early. He heard the shuffles and a clack coming from the hallway when clothes were put into the wardrobe and shoes left neatly beside the other ones. A light between the hallway and the kitchen was switched on at the same time the footsteps neared the kitchen and the dining room next to it.

His thoughts were so glued into the matter of someone being home that he didn’t notice the raised eyebrow of his ‘friend’ and the tilt of his head when Hyukjae observed his pair staring towards the doorway in-between the separate rooms.

“Is someone home—“, the low, a bit tired kind of a voice of a middle-aged man pealed to their ears, until the man peeked into the room in case someone would have forgotten to turn off the lights. “Oh, Donghae,” the man noted, eyes rather wide than usual.

“Hi, dad,” Donghae answered, and Hyukjae noticed the slight waver in its tone.

Hyukjae looked at the boy’s father and his son questioningly, almost like he was waiting for the man’s reaction to his appearance, and Donghae’s reaction to his father’s. However, the man with already a tad grizzled hair seemed to be a bit baffled of the fact there was someone accompanying his son. The red head took a calm breath, fixing the glasses on the bridge of his nose while waiting. It took a few seconds to the man to collect himself.

“Well, hello,” the man in a collared shirt and black trousers said politely, though Hyukjae didn’t miss the calculating look on his tired face. “I’m Donghae’s father. And you are...?”

Without giving it a second thought, he stood up from the armchair he’d been sitting on and greeted Donghae’s father with sufficiently deep bow. He knew how to act with adults, or with people overall when he wanted.

“Lee Hyukjae. I’m a classmate of Donghae.”

Donghae still seemed to be lingering on the edge; not knowing how his dad or Hyukjae would act with each other. He knew his father was quite conservative and disapproving towards anything exceptional and Hyukjae was the perfect example of a such person who went at his own discretion without caring about the opinions of the crowd. He just hoped they wouldn’t clash, and his father wouldn’t start asking any more questions. Needless to say, he opened his mouth to take his dad’s attention away from Hyukjae.

“Dad, how come—” he glanced at the tattooed boy across the table, “you’re home already? Didn’t you say you’ll be working late till your trip...?”

And as Donghae had wished, the obviously some sort of business man turned his look back to his son. His facial expression didn’t change much, but if Hyukjae knew anything, the gaze had changed just enough for him to see it.

So Donghae’s father did still have a soft spot for his son, despite the matter how work-oriented and stern he seemed to be.

“They canceled a meeting, so I got off earlier.”

“Oh.”

However, the man’s attention was back to Hyukjae sooner than Donghae had thought or hoped, and no one could have missed the look that the tattooed boy really wasn’t someone the adult could have really looked up to. Yet it wasn’t straightforward hate either, probably because one really shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.  “You’re working on the photography project, am I right?”

“Yes,” Hyukjae answered confidently, ignoring the horrified look on his pair’s eyes. The man wouldn’t eat him alive, wouldn’t he? It almost amused him how jittery Donghae was about him being there. He wasn’t surprised that much though, to be honest. His parents had been workaholics too, and the relationship between the children and parents had always been superficial, at least to the point when Hyukjae was still allowed around.

Donghae swallowed, staring at the one with the dark rimmed glasses and the evident tattoos along his arms. He tried to calm down and relax, but his father’s presence made it really hard to even breathe properly. If it wasn’ for the first impression, his father might have actually accepted him like his other friends, Sungmin or Kyuhyun.

Then his father opened his mouth again, catching his son unaware with his truly unexpected question to Hyukjae.

“Do you want to stay for dinner?”

 

 

Donghae definitely wasn’t up for this shit.

The idea had been that they could have gotten something about the photographing done. He hadn’t been expecting anything big, because for a fact, they didn’t get along so perfectly to understand each other’s thoughts about, well, anything. Second, either of his parents shouldn’t have been coming home this early – yet just half an hour later, his mother had also appeared, telling that one of her clients had called to inform that they had gotten sick.

It wouldn’t have bothered him at all if it wasn’t for Hyukjae who had actually agreed to stay for the dinner. In fact it could have been okay without him.

Now Donghae was panicking, because he knew what his parents were like. At least usually. They were work-driven people who had certain rules to live by; a) you should get good grades and strive for a well-paying job that would tell others that you were one of those admired and successful people, b) you should definitely look normal; although it would be a good thing to spend a lot of many for your appearance so people would think about the same reason as told before, c) to marry a pretty girl and have a kid or two, and focus on keeping the perfect, unbreakable façade twenty-four-seven.

And you should definitely not get any tattoos.

Or dye your hair red (if you were a male).

Or admit you’re actually gay.

Put it briefly; certainly  _not_ to be like Hyukjae (nevertheless if he had a thing for guys or not).

It had already been an hour since his mother had come home and forty-five minutes from the time the woman had started to cook the certain dinner for them.

Donghae had retreated back into his room with Hyukjae immediately when it had been possible. He had tried to ignore the nagging voice inside his head that it would have been best to send the red head home instead of letting him stay, but since he had already agreed to his father it wasn’t possible.

What annoyed him too, was Hyukjae’s behavior.

Of course, the guy had noticed how uncomfortable he was with the situation, and Hyukjae had started to distress him about it.

“Are you really so ashamed of me, Donghae?” he asked, browsing through the taken photos from his laptop. There were few that seemed good for the project, after all.

Donghae sat on his bed, body rigid and leg agitatedly shaking against the floor. His expression was like he could have seen a ghost.

“You really don’t know my parents.”

“I know how to behave; I’m not a sixteen year old rebel teen,” Hyukjae scoffed back at him, clicking the pictures and taking in the sight of peacefully ‘sleeping’ Donghae in one of the photos.

“You’re not really far from being that.”

“It doesn’t mean that I’m reckless just because I’m different,” he snapped, drilling holes in the other’s figure.

“Well—“

_“Donghae! The dinner is ready!”_

 

 

It was awkward to say at least. It wasn’t about the food; no, the guy’s mother wasn’t actually that bad of a cook for a woman that didn’t spend so much time at home in front of the stove. Even the silence was quite bearable, although all about it reminded Hyukjae of the times with his own family that had been pretty much alike. But at least, at his home everyone had been eating silently without focusing on anything else, until everyone had left for their own businesses. He had been used to that, and the directly disapproving looks if they ever even happened to eat at the same time due to his own parents’ lack of presence. He had had his sister to act normal with.

He could easily sense the tense atmosphere here now, when Donghae sat on the chair next to him and his parents opposite to them, trying to have some small talk because of the matter of being polite. And if he didn’t like something about people, it was the artificial nature of one. Donghae’s parents didn’t accept him, it was clear. They only let him be there because it would have been rude to do otherwise.

For his own good, he had learned to stay indifferent towards people who looked down on him. They didn’t know a single thing about him, yet they simply judged him right under their nose, clear for his quick-witted mind to pick on.

“Well, Hyukjae,” Donghae’s mother started, looking at him like he was an elephant in the porcelain store. “What is that you’re majoring in?”

“Digital arts.”

She hummed with a hint of contemplation if she should approve it not.

“What courses are you taking then?”

Hyukjae leaned more against the backrest of his chair, looking at the woman straight into the eyes without a hint of shame.

“3D graphics, graphic design, photography, web design – for example.” He focused back on his plate where he had some pretty well made beef, rice and variations of side dishes. He leaned against the table with his arm, but his elbows didn’t touch the table. He didn’t look at Donghae, but he could sense it from afar how unnerved he was. He hadn’t even eaten much anything. Hyukjae still couldn’t really grasp on the matter if it was really about him being there, or something entirely different. Maybe it was about them both; of Donghae spending some time with garbage like him, despite how much it was about the project only.

“Do graphic artist really get employment easily? How much is the pay?”

Clearly, it was easier to keep it business-like at least for his mother. Donghae’s father seemed to be writing work related emails with his smart phone though, so the man wasn’t much of a threat for him. Yet.

“It’s a fast-growing sector. And the pay can be really high if you get any name,” he answered casually. It wasn’t that bad, even.

“Is that so?”

“Your company would be nothing without a good advertisement. I might be doing that job someday.” He heard a hard swallow from his left, and felt a kick against his calf almost at the same moment. Donghae, Donghae... Why didn’t he let him talk? He might have been playing with fire a bit, but he didn’t care. People shouldn’t be the ones to judge when they knew nothing and just assumed things because they thought they knew everything about anything.

“Do you think employers will hire someone with so many tattoos? They must think about their image, too.” Her voice was icy and sharp, and the red haired was sure she wanted to make him feel bad about his...well, presence. But he didn’t. He had gone over that phase already.

“Mom,” Donghae suddenly cut in, “I think we’re ready—“, yet he was actually the one who got interrupted, when the ‘head of the table and the family’ as in Donghae’s father let out a cold, piquing scoff when he raised his eyes from the article he had been reading on his smart phone just a moment ago.

“Can you believe this?” he started with subsided anger. “One of the Korean world class swimmers just came out as gay. How dishonoring is that to our country? That is just sick. God, I can’t believe where this world is going. Disgusting. I would immediately fire that guy.”

Hyukjae froze. It reminded him so much of his own father, who had been talking similarly not even that long time ago.

“You sure are right, honey,” the woman with brownish hair said, shaking her head in disapprove.

The tattooed male clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, not being able to agree with those kinds of opinions at all.

“That doesn’t make them any less of a human,” he blurted without any filters.

“What are you saying, young man?” Mr. Lee asked sternly, eyes harder than they had ever been yet.

“I’m saying that people shouldn’t hate homosexuals just because they’re afraid of them! They have every same rights to be here as us—“, he had seriously started getting mad and he would argue about the matter till the—

“Thanks for the dinner, mom!” Donghae suddenly cut through, voice so not like him when he abruptly stood up although his plate wasn’t even near empty. He grabbed Hyukjae’s arm, ignoring the growl from the red head who would have really wanted to say few more words against Mr. Lee’s opinions. “We have things to do! The photos won’t take them by themselves, won’t they? Come on Hyukjae.”

“But I was just—“

“Come.  _Now._ ” Donghae was way too horrified to stay at the table anymore. Hyukjae had been only digging his own grave with his objections. His fingers tightly clasped around Hyukjae’s tattooed arm he pulled the male upstairs, head thudding in plain fear. He was horrified.

Hyukjae was clearly trying to squirm himself free, but Donghae’s sweaty hand wouldn’t let go.

 

 

“Were you out of your mind?!” Donghae raged, shaking.

Hyukjae didn’t give him much time to calm down after he pushed the guy into his room in a rush, being sure that the door to his room was carefully closed behind. Donghae was just catching his breath, starting to really get angry because Hyukjae had been so  _fucking stupid_  for trying to pick a fight with his  _father_.

“No. Now, tell me what  _you_  think.” Hyukjae’s hair color wasn’t the only thing fierce anymore when he suddenly turned around right in front of Donghae, leaving a mere dozen of centimeters between their bodies when he stared back into his eyes, daring.

“About what?” he hissed. His voice had almost betrayed him when it wasn’t so easy to look into those challenging, yet gorgeous single-lidded orbs which could have been the polluted night sky upon their city what he was actually gazing at despite the unnerving moment.

“About the subject you were too afraid to let me say what I was going to say,” Hyukjae retorted, raking the other male with his meaningful eyes and tilting his head just minimally to emphasize everything he was saying.

Donghae gritted his teeth, having the urge to turn his look away. When his heart was telling him something, his mind told him otherwise and it made him harden the expression over his face.

“I agree with my dad.”

The first answer he got was a sardonic scoff.

He couldn’t help but stare when the tattooed boy licked his lips like he was trying to restrain himself from saying something, yet it caused an unwanted reaction in him because it was so  _hot_  although he shouldn’t have thought anything like that especially in their situation at the moment.

“You say that despite the fact that your eyes are telling me a bit different kind of story...” The red head’s voice was low and huskier than usually, and Donghae started thinking if the guy was really trying to set him off with that or if he was at least a bit considerate to keep his voice down.

Hyukjae wasn’t exactly sure what he was trying to achieve, but the simple look here now, and the other’s reaction to him and his father had been the biggest triggers for him so far. He hadn’t been sure about the reason why Donghae had been making it so clear that he didn’t like him, but after seeing the panicky behavior after his father’s speech, and when Hyukjae had said something completely opposite to the man’s opinion, he was quite sure why Donghae had gotten him intrigued.

He had been like that once in the past. He had been afraid too.

The golden brown haired had to bite his tongue to keep staying calm. He wanted to defend himself, but he wasn’t exactly sure what to say against Hyukjae – because he was so right. But he couldn’t confess something like that. He wanted to his problem to just go away. He didn’t want to acknowledge it at all.

Donghae’s breathing was already uneven and overheated when he took furious steps away from the red haired guy, stomping around in an attempt to answer something. “You don’t know anything!” he barked, taking a step back towards Hyukjae, but abruptly turning on his tracks. “You don’t know me or what I’m thinking of,” Donghae rambled, throwing angry glares towards the other male.

It made him insane how Hyukjae remained calm like that compared to him.

“Why are you getting so worked up then?”

“Because you can’t put words in my mouth!”

“But you’re lying,” Hyukjae snapped, his eyes starting to get fiercer because Donghae’s denial was simply annoying him. “I’m not an idiot, Donghae. You got nervous immediately when your father started that talk, and now you’re on the defensive side! What do you think that tells about you?”

“You’re not a fucking mind reader!” The brunet was already near mad, but he tried to keep his voice down so their quarrel wouldn’t echo into his father’s ears. “I agree with my dad. Fags are disgusting,” he snarled with an ugly scowl on his face. He was frustrated, and inside he knew he wasn’t strong enough to argue about this for long. But Hyukjae still couldn’t keep saying things he knew nothing about...

“Your behavior makes me think the exact opposite!”

“Well screw you!” His body was already trembling in agitation, and Hyukjae’s meaningful look was destroying his walls brick by brick. “How’d you know? Aren’t your words making you look the gay one here?”

“So what?” the male with the tattoos said, and his face clearly told that although he was a bit offended, he was indifferent towards other people’s opinions about him. “I’m not so closed-minded to say that I could never like guys. What does it matter? It’s my life, and it’s not anyone else’s business who I like to fuck with,” Hyukjae grumbled, flicking his hand to make his words clear.

“Why does my life seem to be your business now then?” Donghae was really trying to keep himself from screaming. It had already started to be too much, and he easily felt the lump inside his throat bigger than ever, and it only seemed to be growing. But there was no way that he could ever tell anyone.

“You remind me of someone.”

“What the hell does that have anything to do with me?!”

“Well you act exactly like me few years back! How could I not notice when you’re just denying yourself something that’s actually hell a big part of your identity?” the tattooed boy took few steps towards Donghae, grabbing his jaw between his thumb and index finger, making the other look like he was pursing his lips while scowling. Hyukjae stared intensively into his eyes, his own deep orbs evidently pissed, although flavored with a sense of sadness.

The other, who looked pretty normal by appearance in general – though there were those hints which Hyukjae had had a hunch of – glared back, giving an expression which appeared like dog’s which was going to bite if he would go much further. Hyukjae wanted to be rough enough to be able to actually initiate something in Donghae; to get him thinking about himself and who he really wanted to be. But he also knew he couldn’t go too far, or he might break the brunet if he wouldn’t watch his temper.

It was just that...that  _he knew_  what it was like.

He took a note of how the boy in front of him held his breath before he tried to wrench his jaw from Hyukjae’s grip, hissing.

“It still doesn’t make me the same as you!” He started to be so close to the edge that he didn’t even realize himself already shoving the other further away from him. The brunet was so enraged he didn’t acknowledge what kind of words he was letting out from his mouth either. “You don’t know a shit about me, Hyukjae. The fact that you’re one of those  _disgusting_  creatures doesn’t make me a one! Just... Get the hell away from me. I don’t care about the fucking grade so can you just...” he didn’t even realize he had shoved Hyukjae against the door of his wardrobe so hard that he’d almost fallen down when he’d stumbled onto it. The reality seemed to be covered in the haze of all those emotions inside him which had been eating him for so long already.

Hyukjae couldn’t understand why he kept going when the other seemed to be so deep in his own defensive denial that he hadn’t even minded the few bottled-up tears streaming down to his jaw.

“Fuck off,” Donghae said in a forcing manner.

“You still can’t see over your father’s opinions, can you?”

“Hyukjae.  _Fuck. Off_.”

“Do you realize—“

“ _Get the hell out of here!_ ” Donghae shouted, eyes teary despite the fact he had been trying so hard to prevent them. But he didn't care anymore; he just wanted Hyukjae out of his sight.

“—that you’re crying,” he mumbled, getting his posture straight and grabbing his shoulder bag from the floor before taking a one fast glance of the fragile male staring at him with such a vicious expression, whole body tensed up and ready to use more radical options if he wouldn’t be smart enough to believe his words now.

“And don’t you dare to come back!”

It was the last thing Hyukjae heard before closing the door to Donghae’s room behind his back and exiting the house, wondering if it was normal to feel so  _heavy_  after that. He had only wanted to provoke him, but had he gone too far?

Well, he might have.

 


	4. Chapter 4

` ` _The city lights below had never looked as tempting as in the dark and bleak night of Seoul where all the noises of traffic and bustling city where drowning everything else inside for no one else to find._ ` `

` ` _All of the lights, his only friends and escape route when the wind blew hard and icy; causing his hands to get cold and stiff even tucked into his pockets in the November chill that would make others run for shelter and warmth, leaving him alone with his mind in the night._ ` `

` ` _Was he the only one to find it soothing...? Could there be anyone else out there to understand the way the shadows calmed him down, helping him to forget all the things he was trying to run away from? How the low, gray clouds over the sky gave out the feeling one could almost touch them if he’d try?_ ` `

` ` _How would it feel like to jump? Would the feeling of falling make his mind go blank? Would he be able to forget all the painful memories? Would it finally shut his storming heart, or leave him hanging in the darkness?_ ` `

` ` _Would anyone hear? Would anyone see?_ ` `

` ` _Could there be someone calling him back...?_ ` `

 

 

` ` When he stood at the rooftop that night he easily remembered the time few years back when everything had been so different. He had been trying to find the answers, yet he had only realized that it had never been about the answers. It had always been about the things he had inside his own head. ` `

` ` Although it was winter already, he wasn’t surprised when the first drop of rain fell down after the dark clouds over the sky had slowly gathered over the city, and soon thousands of other heavy droplets followed it with the light drumming sound hitting against the rooftops. He went closer against the railing, palms grabbing around the metal and slightly leaning over it because it felt like his body was wrapped in rope that was slowly tightening around him. Cold shivers ran along his skin when the same wind brushed through his clothes when he watched the sea of lights he couldn’t almost believe how palpably all the emotions from two years ago hit him once again. ` `

` ` He had been so  _broken_. He had been young and all alone. Fighting  _with_ ,  _because_ , and  _for_  himself. He had been lost, abandoned and discriminated because of who he was;  _who he was brave enough to be_. But he had gone through it all. He knew he was strong. He didn’t need to feel like this, but the memories came rushing back, scraping all the old scars wide open. He wasn’t the same person he had once been, but the insecure young boy still lived within him; reminding him of the fragility of a human being. ` `

` ` Hyukjae’s black orbs gazed over the familiar city, trying to steady his breath. It had been a while since the last time he had really broken down. ` `

` ` At first in his eyes was the shade of anger, but it didn’t take long before he let his eyelids fall down and the frustrated tears escaped through his eyelids, blending in with the cold rain. ` `

` ` He had never been one to surrender without a fight. He had always,  _always_ , stood up for himself; against the people who couldn’t see behind the stereotype tag, and against his own family, his own parents who had been too proud to let go off the status to understand their own sown; enough afraid of diversity to disown him. At least, there had been two people who had never left by his side; his sister and grandmother, who became his shelter when his mother and father had kicked him out for good. At least eventually, few more people had come, and stayed. ` `

` ` Yet all those hardships had been the thing that had made him strong. He was able to accept himself as he was, and he didn’t need to be anything else to please others either. He had understood very well the matter of being honest to your own self. He had wanted to live his life free; nevertheless if he had to sacrifice half of his family for the sake of his own happiness. ` `

` ` People had looked down on him, said bad things about him, and left him. But Hyukjae had decided to go with it, because he didn’t need people around him who’d only bring him down. ` `

` ` Hyukjae had been able to go on by his own even till now – like a wolf that had been also inked onto his skin. Wolves were strong, courageous and they lived by their own fate. And when he had been at his worst, it had always given him strength to remind himself about that. ` `

` ` Despite the fact that he was strong by his own, even the strongest ones needed at least someone to rely on. That had always been the nagging thought of  _‘what if’_  inside his head, actually giving him the faith to keep on going; that maybe he wouldn’t need to be all on his own forever. Maybe there could be someone who could understand; someone who he could trust and who could look at him with eyes that could see through him. Someone he wouldn’t need to always talk with to feel content; someone who would challenge him, but also lift him higher, and someone who would just  _be_  there when he needed it the most. ` `

` ` However, Hyukjae had been on the edge of giving up on himself few times when things had gone rough and hard to endure, when it had felt like there had been no one to share the pain with. He almost hadn’t given himself the chance; he had almost quit the game of his own two years back, but yet, he was still there, breathing, and slowly going forward. Even when it had been the hardest, he hadn’t stopped dreaming for better. ` `

` ` And now there was Donghae. ` `

` ` He hadn’t thought that there could be something to bring him lower at this point anymore. But somehow the golden brown haired guy had managed to get under his skin; shaking up his world again and reminding him about the harsh fact that not everyone was the same as he was. Donghae was going through the exact same issues he had battled with too. But Donghae wasn’t him. Donghae was way more sensitive to the opinions of others. He had probably always lived in the bubble built by his parents and people around him, and when it seemed to be the time, it wasn’t so easy to break through it anymore. ` `

` ` If he had to be honest, he really wasn’t a mind-reader. He couldn’t possibly get into anyone’s head if he wasn’t accepted to come in. He also knew he  _had_  acted harsh, but Donghae seemed like a guy who wouldn’t do anything if not being pushed with a little force towards the other way. ` `

` ` What Hyukjae wanted was to make the idiot understand— ` `

` ` _What_  exactly he wanted him to understand, after all...? Why he wanted so much to be able to make a difference? ` `

` ` He wasn’t even sure if he was hurt or not by all the rude words Donghae had said, although he easily acknowledged the oppressing clench inside his chest when he thought about the whole matter. Donghae didn’t really mean much to him, but why the fight was still constantly bugging his mind like this? Why was such a jerk leaving such a big impact in him? Donghae was definitely an idiot, and he didn’t like him very much as he was now, but still, even though he didn’t know why, he kind of hoped there could have been something else beneath all his lies. He had thought that maybe – just  _maybe_  – there could have been someone worthwhile to get to know to. But obviously, Donghae didn’t even want to try and give Hyukjae a chance to understand – or to himself any more than that. ` `

` ` Donghae didn’t want anyone to break the shell around him that provided him some sense of safety. He was obviously so afraid to be different that he was ready to shut everything dreadful out of his life – probably shutting out everything that could have been something worthwhile in the end too. ` `

` ` The rain had already drenched the red head’s hair when he lifted his gaze towards the nightly sky. Biting his lips in an attempt to make his own mind shut even for a minute, he let go of the now freezing cold metal and turned his back to the city, ignoring the shivers running through his lean body when a flash of the tears running the brunet’s face fled through his mind, reminding him of the heavy feeling down on his stomach ever since he closed the certain door behind his back. ` `

 

 

` ` “He’d better be at home since I’ve come all the way here in that goddamn downpour,” she muttered under her breath when the lock finally made the noise of opening against the key inside. She pulled the door open with little difficulties when her hands were practically full from the two big bags full of food from the grocery store. ` `

` ` (Sora knew his brother was the laziest when it came to feeding himself, and she wouldn’t get too surprised anymore if the only thing in his fridge would be its light.) ` `

` ` She waltzed deeper into the apartment that officially belonged to their grandmother, who’d let his grandson live there after the few unfortunate events in the past. Their grandmother was still living in the individual apartment downstairs though – which was a good thing because she wouldn’t have wanted his brother to live without anyone looking after him once in a while. She would have even insisted on living with him herself if she wouldn’t have had such a busy job or her boyfriend already living under the same room with her. ` `

` ` Maybe she was a bit overprotective, but it was only because she knew how much shit he had gone through along the years – and he didn’t deserve any more of that if it was up to her. ` `

` ` With a weary huff Sora placed the bags on the floor for a minute to put on the light and to take off her high heels (which she now regretted putting on in the first place because they were very well soaked thoroughly at this point). She took a look at herself from the full-body length mirror, scowling at the sight and deciding to ignore the worn-out essence, taking a note of the pervasive silence that seemed to be all over the house. She furrowed her eyebrows, trying to catch any kind of sound but could only grasp on the distant drumming against the windows since it was still raining. ` `

` ` “Hello?” she tried, but not getting any kind of answer. However, she could see a glimpse of the warm kitchen light gleaming from the other side of the apartment, and she knew he would not leave a light on if he would have gone somewhere being the OCD-kid he sometimes tended to be. ` `

` ` “Hyukjae? Lil bro? Du-uude? Monkey! Hey come on, answer me! It’s your sister, moron!” ` `

` ` Still no answer. ` `

` ` Sora sighed, thinking that it would be Hyukjae’s own fault if she would be interrupting anything since he obviously didn’t bother to say a word back at her. ` `

` ` “All the things I do for you...” she grumbled, taking the heavy bags with her and strolling through the hallway towards the said kitchen to unload all the food from the wet bags. On her way she didn’t really catch anything suspicious beside the fact that the apartment was literally empty, although she couldn’t really see to the living room back from there. She proceeded to lift the other bag on top of the counter, and opened the fridge to confirm the fact that it was most likely empty – and she wasn’t even much wrong when there was only a half-eaten takeaway box and a can of Coke left. ` `

` ` While rolling her eyes, she started to fill the fridge one by one, leaving only the ingredients for some ramyun on the top counter for her to cook a bit later. ` `

` ` After ten minutes when Sora had gotten the kettle on the stove boiling and spreading the delicious scent all over the apartment, she nodded proudly to herself for being such a perfect sister, only to go finally search for his brother. And even if she hadn’t heard a thing, her instincts told her Hyukjae was most likely there too, nonetheless how quietly he managed to be present. Besides, the apartment was quite big for a guy to live alone with the two separate bedrooms, living room and a small kitchen, so it wasn’t such a difficult thing to lose a kid like him in there. ` `

` ` She strolled through the apartment's short hallway, peeking into one of the rooms that was also empty, and which was mostly used as storage or a quest room if ever needed. With a slightly worried sigh she leaned against the doorjamb for a minute, until Sora continued her way through the old house with the creaking wood flooring which she usually wouldn’t have liked if it wasn’t for his brother’s apartment. ` `

` ` There was something very Hyukjae-like in the whole apartment with its high ceilings, old yet beautiful windows with his own creative touch showing everywhere upon the original essence that also reminded her about their grandmother who clearly had some similarities with the youngest of their family. They were both free souls, independent and strong, yet still probably the sweetest persons she had ever known in her whole life. Hyukjae had obviously inherited quite a bit of her personality, which she was very thankful for compared to the rest of their family who she didn’t like that much at all. ` `

` ` When the spacious living room with its three tall yet narrow windows appeared into her gaze, she immediately felt relieved when he recognized the mop of flame red hair and the tattoos discernible on his exposed neck when the other side of his head was leant against the steamy window. She took a good look of the slim figure sitting on the windowsill with his legs bend close to his stomach, eyes partly closed while he held something on his lap, which she a second later realized to be a camera. And the reason why he most likely hadn’t noticed anything happening around was the fact that Hyukjae had the red earbuds tucked into his ears, and if she focused to listen very closely on it she could really hear some sounds streaming in her ears. ` `

` ` She bit her lip, almost shaking her head in amusement, yet the expression over his brother’s face made her eyebrows furrow lower. ` `

 

 

` ` The raindrops falling against the steamed glass with the neon lights blinking through it in blur had something very similar to Hyukjae’s overall gist at the moment. He seemed to be lost in thought, mind working on something she couldn’t understand thoroughly, although everything in him reminded Sora of the time which she so much wanted to erase from his brother’s memory even though how well Hyukjae had been doing these days. With a painful tug of her heart, she went to the opposite side of the room, damp socks meeting with the red ornamental carpet that gave her a cozy feeling. The arm chair placed next to the window tempted her, but in her concern she stopped beside her brother; crouching a bit lower to meet the boy’s dark eyes if he would ever even notice her. ` `

` ` She was already about to call his name, but with her lips tad parted she ended up examining the younger for a bit longer – and she was truthfully taken aback when the redness in his single-lidded eyes was so noticeable, and how his lips looked swollen like he would have been unconsciously biting them for a long while. He seemed tired and mentally exhausted; like there had been something bugging him for a while already yet he hadn’t been able to let anything out. ` `

` ` “Hyukjae...?” Her voice was noticeably softer, hoping that she wouldn’t scare the boy with her not-so-sudden appearance in his apartment. When his body stiffened and eyes darted downwards like a little boy being upset, holding onto something to prevent any tears from falling, Sora knew Hyukjae was very aware of her being there with him. ` `

` ` Sora had to bite her own lips very hard to remain her role as the tough and arrogant sister she was because seeing her dearest and only sibling on the verge of his own tears was about to make her cry too. “Oh, sweetheart...” she whispered before she launched her arms around the slim body to embrace him tightly, only to immediately feel his forehead on the crook of her neck, searching for some much needed comfort. ` `

` ` Hyukjae tightened his grip around the young female, swallowing all the tears he was able to. He didn’t want to cry when he wasn’t even sure what he was crying for. Few warmer minutes passed by until the red head was able to let go of his sister, and while pulling away he sniffled and hastily tried to wipe away the wetness from his cheeks. He wasn’t a person to cry a lot, and he didn’t like to cry in front of other people. His sister was an exception, but even then he felt slightly uncomfortable and vulnerable when he let his rare tears out. The boy wiped his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie, trying to make himself feel a bit more decent although he knew he would have to open up about the reason behind his tears. ` `

` ` She sat down on the windowsill next to him, drowning her slim fingers into Hyukjae’s thick strands of hair when she knew it would help him relax. The gesture had remained from the time the young male had really needed the support more than anything. Tonight it didn’t seem to be as bad, but noticeable enough for Sora to start worrying. ` `

` ` “Hey now... Tell me; what’s going on?” she started, frowning when she locked eyes with Hyukjae’s, who gazed back until he sighed heavily and turned his gaze away. ` `

` ` “It’s...nothing...” ` `

` ` “Don’t you dare lie to me,  _Lee Hyukjae_ ,” Sora growled and pinched the earlobe of his younger brother, causing him to yelp in surprise. Although she was slightly teasing, she was also very, very serious. The young woman with chestnut brown long hair and usually lively dark eyes wouldn’t let the boy slide from things like this. ` `

` ` “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you this down, Hyuk.” ` `

` ` He bit his plump and swollen lower lip, glancing through the window. The rain had slightly subsided, but the day had already turned dark; welcoming the velvety night in when the clouds had yielded away with the smooth blow of the wind. ` `

` ` “I just...” he started; uncertain, and trying to rewrite all the words on top of his tongue. “I was kinda reminded about  _my_  fight with our parents because...of a guy I was supposed to work a project with. We didn’t get along very well even from the start... Maybe it was my own fault,” he exhaled warily, “because I might have...accused him a bit. His parents asked me to stay for dinner although it was pretty clear that they didn't accept me, and at some point his father started talking about an article where a gay swimmer came out, judging him and I opposed him, but Donghae forced me back into his room and he was... Pissed. It evolved into a fight...an argument...I don’t even know to be honest, but he was pretty clear he didn’t want anything to do with a  _disgusting fag_  like me.” ` `

` ` Her eyes darkened in anger immediately, but Hyukjae managed to continue before she would start accusing anyone about anything; “But now I’m thinking...if he wasn’t actually saying those words to me...“ ` `

` ` “What do you mean—“ ` `

` ` “...but  _himself_.” ` `

` ` “Huh?” Sora huffed, eyes narrowing in bewilderment. “So... You’re saying...he’d be gay too?” she asked, ruffling her own hair and trying to get all her thoughts in logical order (though that Donghae-guy seemed more like a lunatic to her at the moment). ` `

` ` “I’m not saying it’s a proven fact but he—in his eyes... He was... _pleading_... He was acting like a trapped animal being threatened for his life.” Hyukjae buried his face against his palms, closing his eyes quite forcefully before continuing; “His parents were so alike to ours, Sora... You know what it was like,” Hyukjae hissed in annoyance, deep in his thoughts because he had been thinking about all the things surrounding the matter for few long days already and the words just seemed to flood through his lips without any barriers left. ` `

` ` “Of course...” ` `

` ` “And although he acted like a brainless jerk I don’t... I...” he bit his lip, and the female beside him raised her eyebrow questioningly. ` `

` ` “I’d  _like_  to hate him too. But I can’t.” ` `

` ` There was a longer silence between the siblings; the older one trying to digest in the information she’d gotten to know to and the younger now re-living his past inside his head. ` `

` ` He remembered all the lies, faking and hiding, and also the fear of coming out; the fear especially after coming out when he hadn’t expected such a vicious reception from his own parents. ` `

` ` All the yelling, fighting – even physical violence towards him from his own parents who had decided to entirely disown, and not long after; throw out their son in the tender age of seventeen, when everything had been already difficult to deal to begin with. He had tried to forget, but the pain from being such a  _failure_  had never really left him entirely. He might have gotten stronger every day, yet it still hurt as much as in the beginning of it all. ` `

` ` Yet he didn’t know why, but he couldn’t get the image of crying Donghae out of his mind. All the emotions about him have started to get so messed up when feelings like anger, concern and some sort of regret were badly eating him inside, not making any sense. ` `

` ` Sora observed her little brother for a minute, taking a note of the expressions flashing through his eyes. When he started to bite his lips again, Sora pursed her own lips and leaned her cheek against her palm when a little lopsided smile was tugging on the corner of her lips. ` `

` ` “ _Donghae_  huh...?” ` `

` ` The red head swung his eyes to the other quite similar ones, frowning when he couldn’t quite catch his sister’s train of thoughts. ` `

` ` “What?” ` `

` ` “Nothing.” ` `

` ` She quietly took the camera from the windowsill under them, opening it and catching a glimpse of Hyukjae turning his look away again. Sora opened the camera’s gallery when there was no protesting against it. ` `

` ` The first picture she was able to see was the one with the golden brown haired boy looking cautiously towards the camera from the corner of his eyes, but the second snapshot was obviously taken when he hadn’t been aware of being photographed, when he was calmly looking out the window with the last rays of evening sun highlighting his smooth features and hazel colored eyes with a pinch of melancholy in those eyes. ` `

` ` Sora had to admit that the photo was a beautifully showing that kind of side of the guy even when she didn’t know a thing about him; but in the exact moment the boy gave her a feeling that there were no shields over him. She could sense the sincerity and vulnerability all the way through the little digital screen, and she wasn’t surprised why Hyukjae had found similarities to his own self from Donghae. ` `

` ` She would never forget the frequent look in Hyukjae’s eyes when he was planning on telling their parents about his sexuality two years ago. ` `

` ` Hyukjae was staring to the floor when the camera was put down again, not daring to look towards the young woman because he knew how annoying she could be when she wanted. ` `

“Were those related to your project?” she asked with a little teasing smile lingering upon her lips. “The guy in the photos; it’s him, right?”

“Mm,” the younger hummed, scratching his cheek which felt slightly warmer just because she was clarifying the thing as it was.

Sora tilted her head, thoughtful.

“You said he’s a real asshole though?”

Hyukjae clicked his tongue. “Well, he seems to despise me greatly.”

“But he might actually like you, though.”

Hyukjae snorted, rolling his eyes in utter disbelief.

“Are you kidding me? He looked like he was about to punch me because I wanted him to admit that he might actually like guys.”

“Your hard-headedness will definitely get you in trouble big time someday, dear brother,” Sora mumbled, “But I’ll rip his balls off and hang him up to the flagpole if he dares to hurt you again.”

He groaned when his sister opened her mouth again.

“Though, the line between love and hate can sometimes be very thin. He might punch you when he actually thinks about kissing you.”

“Shut up.”

 

 

When he stepped out on the college’s ground after a two hour lecture to catch a breath of fresh air, he felt a cold wetness fall on top of his nose. He hadn’t even noticed, but it had started to snow during the classes, and now the white cold cotton had started to gather on top of the soil, brightening up the world even when the sun wasn’t shining and the sky remained gray.

He had tried to focus and occupy his mind with drawing, listening to music or  _anything_ that usually took his attention away from the thoughts that were following him like shadows, frightening him every time when he least expected it.

Even as much as he wanted, Donghae always came back into his mind, messing around with his brain and leaving him speechless. He had kept thinking if he could have been wrong about him, but every time he thought about it, he remembered the expression clearly like ice which was constantly making him slip on his feet.

They hadn’t said a word to each other after the incident, and Donghae probably wasn’t going to be the first one to contact him again – and to be honest, Hyukjae was pretty sure that the guy would immediately chase him away if he would try it himself.

He took a deep breath of the chilly air, enjoying it when he knew it probably wouldn’t stay for long. The coldness was already grasping on the tips of his ears and fingers, and he ducked his hands into his jacket’s pockets at the same moment he was about to start walking towards the gates, when he suddenly heard a loud ‘ _Oof!_ ’ and a loud laugh not too far away from where he stood. He wouldn’t have cared if it hadn’t been somehow sounding familiar, and he cautiously turned to look over the yard.

There were quite punch of people leaving the school, or just taking a break before the next lesson, but his gaze almost immediately found the origin of the voice.

Closer to the parking lot, almost opposite to where Hyukjae was, he saw Sungmin wiping snow off from his face, which obviously had been caused by Donghae whose booming laugh easily revealed him to be the culprit. The boy was already twiddling a new ball of snow on his palms, just waiting for the perfect moment to attack his friend again. Hyukjae couldn’t get clearly all the words the blonde male said to Donghae, but the tattooed one was pretty sure that it had been a lot about profanities.

It didn’t take long for Donghae to get his own part of the slushy snow, when his neck had taken a hit of Sungmin’s snowball.

The red head felt a weird fluttering inside his stomach when he couldn’t pull his stare off from Donghae’s wide, toothy and mischievous grin when he dodged the next hurl and ran away from his friend, hastily rolling the snowballs of his own. There was something really different on his eyes when he didn’t seem to be thinking about anything and just went with the moment and had fun with his friend without all the worries weighing down on his shoulders.

Hyukjae was now able to see a glimpse of the guy which had stayed hidden every time he had been around him,

He bit his lip and darted his eyes down to his sneakers, sighing, before he started walking towards the gates. It made him uneasy how he suddenly remembered one of the times when few guys back in high school had acted a bit similarly how the brunet now acted towards Hyukjae.

Without even noticing he was already glancing behind his back, and when his eyes found Donghae, he was surprised when their gazes actually met.

The eye contact was brief, but he still had enough time to catch the dark shades of pain and regret, and it made him doubt if Donghae really hated him so much after all.

 


	5. Chapter 5

The muffled, distant sound of a song was crawling into his head in the middle of his dream, and all the images and voices he would have wanted to keep on watching started to fade away. The beat was digging deeper into his brain, and slowly he started to feel the familiar textures against his skin, recognizing the softness under his head when he started to stir from his slumber.

He didn’t want to wake up yet, but the persistent noise didn’t leave him alone even after a short silence before it started all over again. He felt the vibrating somewhere near his hand that was buried under the pillow, and when his brains started to finally function and the grayish brightness blinked from between his eyelids he finally acknowledged it to be his ringtone. Nonetheless, he wasn’t exactly interested to pick it up, but since the  _‘My name is T to the A to the E (to the) Y to the A N G’_  (a song Sungmin had set up as his own ringtone on Donghae’s phone) still didn’t seem to stop anytime soon, he blindly started to search for the origin of his misery and managed to grab the damn thing before it would have fallen down to the space between the wall and his bed.

Donghae brought the device lazily on top of his ear when he lied sideways on top of the duvet, leaving it there and letting his hand fall back onto the mattress. He knew who was on the other side of the line, and because the blond had ended his peaceful napping so ruthlessly, Sungmin wasn’t getting any friendlier greeting than an annoyed “ _What?_ ” from the golden brown haired boy.

“ _Well aren’t you delighted to talk to me_ ,” Sungmin said from the other side, sounding like he the call was on loudspeaker and the guy was doing something at the same time; and assuming from the metallic sound it was like a fork or a knife was clacking against a plate or something.

“What do you want, Min?” Donghae grumbled voice still hoarse from the remnants of his sleep. “You’re disturbing my napping.”

There was an amused snicker. “ _Do you need me to sing a new lullaby for you?_ ” he laughed shortly.

The phone fell from Donghae’s ear, and he had to pick it up again by hand to bring it back to his ear.

“No thanks,” he huffed, slowly raising himself onto a sitting position; back now leaned against the cold wall. “So, what’s up?”

Donghae wasn’t really interested on talking, though, or actually not much in anything else interactive either. He just wanted to sleep so he wouldn’t need to  _think_  all the time; so he wouldn’t need to _feel_  the regret and anger, or to be reminded about a certain tattooed male and the few gazes they had shared during the past week. He still felt extremely bad about acting so unfairly towards the red head and the few accidental eye-contacts hadn’t helped at all.

He had definitely hurt Hyukjae, or at least offended, although he seemed to cover it pretty well. But what came to Donghae, he was probably the one who couldn’t hide the turmoil going haywire and causing even more chaos inside him.

“ _—and then— Donghae, are you even listening?_ ”

Why he couldn’t just...stop from being?

Sleep for a week? A month? Few years?

“S-sorry, Min, what did you say?” he stuttered, having no idea what the blond had been talking about.

“ _Whatever, it wasn’t important,_ ” the other male sighed, “ _What’s up with you, anyhow? You’ve been... Are you...mad at us for some reason?_ ”

Donghae stiffened, biting his tongue.

“No—it’s just...”

“ _You’ve been really snappy_.”

“I-I’m sorry, I...” He just wanted to disappear. Everything was making him crazy lately. “I didn’t mean to.”

He easily discerned the long exhale from the other side.

“I’ve just been really stressed out,” he said quietly. It wasn’t even far from the truth. “My parents... They’ve been giving me a hard time for the past week because they obviously have some bigger things going on with work and they always happen to launch their tiredness and own stress onto  _me_.  And the photography project... We don’t really get along well with Hyukjae...” The last thing was just a mere whisper, and he hoped it wasn’t really hearable because he didn’t want to talk about it – oh well, actually he  _did_  want to, but he didn’t find the courage to talk about his sexual identity crisis with Sungmin.

“ _Oh_ ,” Sungmin started, “ _I guess I can relate to you because my mom is the CEO of a clothing retail chain and she’s doing the same every time a new seasonal is coming up..._ ” the blond wandered off.

Donghae didn’t know what to say, but it seemed like he was kind of forgiven.

“ _I know, it sucks_ ,” Sungmin muttered, “ _I totally get if it’s getting onto you._ ”

And with that a sudden wave of discomfort blew over him. Everything had just started to be a bit too much. He had his friends, yes, but he couldn’t find himself relying onto them. His parents were always away, and if they were home they did nothing but released their own frustrations to him; at one moment talking normally to him and then suddenly all hell broke loose when they found something to blame him about. Even one of his favorite teachers had scolded him about his assignment that hadn’t been all that good at all. His mind was constantly somewhere else and he couldn’t really focus on anything. He had horrible bags under his eyes because he couldn’t really sleep at nights, and when he did manage to fall asleep there were just few hours left, and it wasn’t enough even if he did take naps almost every day.

It was all because of Hyukjae.

He had broken down right after the boy with the tattoos had closed the door to his room on that unfortunate day after the dinner with his parents. At least, they hadn’t said much about him (or about anything related) after that.

However, although he had been so angry and mad because of everything Hyukjae had said, he couldn’t deny the fact that he had been right about him. It was just so fucking painfully scary to acknowledge the fact that he hadn’t even found any satisfaction from girls for a long time already.

It wasn’t normal – he knew he would be judged if he’d ever confess, for example, to his parents about his sexuality.

It was the first time when something was actually making him think; making him think about something that wasn’t  _superficial_  and  _easy_. Everything had always come to him on a silver plate without needing to move a muscle. He had been  _made_ thinking in a certain way.

The unsaid rules he had found so safe and comforting until this point, when everything he had once believed in had started to crumble down in sharp pieces.

Donghae wasn’t sure if he could really take it.

All he wanted was just to be normal again.

If he just could have hated Hyukjae enough to bury these things into the darkest corner inside his head again.

The brunet felt his eyes burning, but he rapidly blinked to get rid of the tears in his eyes before he suddenly had the urge to say something before Sungmin could grasp onto the subject of their project.

“Hey, do you happen to know if Minho is still having the party tonight?”

He wanted to drink all of his worries away.

At least when he was drunk he was able to forget the things at least for a while or until he threw up and sobered up.

“ _Yeah – he actually just texted if we were going before I called_ ,” the blond said with a hint of realization, “ _That was the reason I actually called. Obviously I forgot...but I really meant to ask if you were coming since Kyu said he can’t make it tonight. He’s having a date,”_  he snorted.

“With who?” Donghae asked, eyebrow rising unbelievingly.

“ _With Starcraft_.”

“Oh,” Donghae almost laughed, “That explains.”

“ _So you coming? I thought we could be there around 8pm._ ”

Donghae hummed – though he didn’t have the slightest idea what the time was at the moment, so he lifted his phone enough off from his ear to see that it was almost 7pm already.

“Yes,” he huffed, “I just—I’ll take a shower and then I’ll be coming over and then we can continue to Minho’s place?”

“ _Sounds good._ ”

He stood up from his bed, going for his wardrobe to pick some more decent clothes that weren’t all wrinkled from sleep. He was about to end the call, but Sungmin still had something to say.

“ _Oh! Can you bring the Absolut you have?_ ”

“Absolutely.”

 

 

Donghae felt the alcohol running through his veins, hot and blistering, when he took the first sip of his beer at Minho’s house. They had destroyed the half of the bottle left of the Absolut at Sungmin’s place, and when they had left they both were already feeling the tipsiness taking over.

The brunet could have almost said that he loved the feeling when the numbness started to spread over his senses, easing his tenseness and like it was helping him to breathe again. The thoughts of the certain boy were easier to forget when the new beer made his mind hazier, and the struggle inside his head almost felt like a mere blur anymore.

He found something really comforting in the dark house surrounded with drunken people, away from the things that were making his life so damn hard and difficult to bear with.

He followed the blond through the people, and eventually found himself having fun again with Sungmin and few of his other friends, while at the same time drinking more and more, relaxing to the point he didn’t need to think anymore.

When he started to get more intoxicated by the alcohol, he easily went on with the feelings and didn’t bother when again another girl came to him, asking for his attention and he didn’t budge. It felt so easy and simple, brainless and he didn’t really need to feel or do anything else but smile and let his tongue speak everything that came out.

The girl was all over him in no time, and he didn’t mind. She was able to keep his mind steady and occupied on her as long as she kept his attention on her, letting his hands wander on her body like it was routine and his lips attached to her lips or skin, frequently passing out sweet words that kept him captured on him.

It was all just act that already came out like it was his real nature.

It was easy, and that was all he wanted at least for the few hours of his life. 

 

 

Hyukjae had no idea why he had ever agreed to Heechul’s proposition for him to tag along to Minho’s place that night.

He had never been too fond of this kind of house parties where electric music blasted out from the speakers way too loudly, alcohol flowed like crazy – and because of that people were erratic and talkative – while the heavy scent of smoke lingered on the air when some of them were too lazy to go smoke outside.

But who could actually say no to Heechul?

Hyukjae had followed the cat-eyed guy to the party, but as usual, the older had soon found himself someone to entertain him. At least, he stayed by the red head’s side for some time while at the same time he kept flirting with this Chinese guy. It was almost funny, to be honest. Everyone just loved Heechul despite his awfully snarky attitude, not caring a bit if people saw him either with girl or a guy. Even when you thought you hated him, you still probably loved him. It was the same with everyone, and Hyukjae couldn’t say anything against those facts. He felt the same; sometimes his friend from the upper class drove him crazy, yet the guy was someone he could actually rely on. He was one of the rare people he really considered as his friend.

“Hey, Hyuk, take a shot,” Heechul snickered, handing him a snapshot of something that probably tasted like shit, yet he couldn’t find himself saying against it either. He shrugged, taking the class with dark liquid inside, letting the questioning flee off his mind when he drank it away all at once. The bitter taste burned his throat, but he only gritted his teeth until he felt the warm sensation down on his stomach while the long haired guy smirked to him, pleased.

“Good boy,” he laughed with his weird yet enticing sound, patting Hyukjae’s shoulder like a proud big brother who got the younger to do something naughty. “Wasn’t that bad, wasn’t it?”

“Who wouldn’t love to drink shit,” he grimaced, placing the glass back on the huge and wide kitchen island.

He looked over his friend who still had the Chinese guy beside him, drinking quietly something Hyukjae couldn’t label at the moment. He noticed that the elder had caught something with his hawk-like-cat-eyes and he followed his gaze to the opposite side of the room, where his dark orbs halted on a familiar figure sitting on a big leather couch with a petite girl straddled over his lap.

“Isn’t that the I-am-not-gay-guy?” Heechul muttered, raising his thick eyebrows knowingly.

Hyukjae only sighed, rolling his eyes when Donghae’s lips kept sucking the poor girl’s neck, hands circled around her slim waist.

He didn’t say anything, yet he took the beer Heechul was handing to him without a sign of refuse.

“Let’s go sit on the table over there,” the elder suggested, and Hyukjae knew why. The long, high bar table with tall bar stools was closer to the living room and the couch Donghae also was, and he didn’t need to be genius to realize that Heechul wanted to observe the guy Hyukjae had been talking about when he had been most upset about the whole thing.

Hyukjae brushed his red strands a bit uncomfortably, sitting next to his friend who didn’t care if he was simply and noticeably staring over Donghae’s way. He tried not to be as unsubtle as Heechul, but he couldn’t help it when his eyes wandered to the golden brown haired guy who now had a black, quite tight v-neck t-shirt and denim jeans that followed his nicely toned calves and thighs.

“Quite handsome, I gotta say, though I can clearly see the word gay stamped all over him,” Heechul muttered, crunching the ice cube he had inside his mouth. “I can totally understand why’ve taken interest on him.”

“I’m not—“

“Keep telling yourself that, baby-face,” the elder smirked again, “You don’t usually let assholes into your head wandering like this, Hyuk. Come on Geng, let’s dance a bit, shall we?” Soon Heechul disappeared into the crowd and bass, leaving the youngest of the three there alone.

Hyukjae kept sipping his drink and watching over Donghae, who, for the first glances almost seemed to be into the girl like she was into him, but in the end it was pretty clear that the brunet wasn’t actually excited about her. He mostly let the girl do whatever the hell she wanted, even grind herself to him, what make Hyukjae grimace again.

For a while he just watched, tapping his fingers against the table along with the deep beat, until he realized that Donghae had noticed him, and was now looking back at him. The expression over his face suddenly hardened, and he suddenly kissed the girl hungrily. The girl was only delighted by that and dug her fingers through the brunet’s faux mohawk–styled hair, probably giggling against the thin lips at the same time.

He wasn’t sure what Donghae was really trying to accomplish with the heavy making out, when he seemed to be more than bored himself.

Hyukjae almost laughed at the stupidity of the whole situation, not wanting to acknowledge the stinging feeling down on his chest when he kept staring. He didn’t care if Donghae saw, because that was what he wanted; he wanted to make him feel uncomfortable by his piercing stare and eyes that accused and dared Donghae to try harder, because his act wasn’t convincing a bit.

Eventually he ran out of his beer, and Donghae had started to seem frustrated, and it was enough for Hyukjae. He wanted to provoke him again, whatever that even meant. He knew had some sort of and effect in the brunet and that with alcohol inside, he probably wouldn’t leave it at that.

He wanted him to stop faking it, when he could see straight through him.

_Prove it._

_Liar._

His fast glance was long and fierce, until he finally stood up, not leaving his stare from him before he wholly disappeared.

Maybe he needed to calm his own hazy mind too, because the alcohol didn’t leave him woundless either.

He wasn’t sure why, but he almost hoped that Donghae would get angry at him.

 

 

Donghae knew he was drunk and that the alcohol was highly affecting his reasoning at this point in the night, but he couldn’t help but feel sort of furious after the look in Hyukjae’s eyes just few minutes ago.

He knew that it was also something else boiling inside of him too, but that wasn’t really something he wanted to acknowledge.

All the emotions were already overwhelming him to the breaking point when he couldn’t really stop himself anymore from abruptly rushing up from the leather couch and hastily lying something about going to the toilet. He wasn’t really sure what he was trying to achieve by searching for Hyukjae, but he simply couldn’t get rid of the boy’s eyes that were obviously trying to do the same thing as when they had argued at his house.

He could almost hear Hyukjae’s voice inside his head, whispering huskily beside his ear.

 _Liar_.

The uncomfortable fluttering inside his stomach wasn’t really helping either, when the alcohol was clearly messing around with him and Hyukjae was making him frustrated in so many different levels.

At the same time when he wanted to keep telling himself how much he wanted to hate him, he wasn’t capable of ignoring the longing towards the tattooed guy. It was impossible to try to think that the black slim jeans and the white collared shirt with its sleeves rolled up with his red hair styled a bit messily weren’t making Hyukjae look so fucking  _gorgeous_.

But he couldn’t let those thoughts win; he  _had_   _to_  keep on despising him. He was already so close to the edge that he was ready to do anything to keep himself on the right side. He couldn’t bear with the constant fear of falling even harder when there probably wasn’t anyone to catch him from hurting himself.

Donghae was already feeling slightly dizzy from getting up so fast and then marching through the mass of drunken students and the thick air filled with flavors of smoke, sweat and different types of alcoholic drinks. His eyesight felt blurry from the darkness and the few blinking red and blue lights that had been set up on the ceiling, and for his liking and especially patience Minho’s place was also way too big and there was too much space to look around so he could actually find the one person he was looking for.

He just wanted to find him to...to do what exactly? Why was he after him when he should have kept his distance to most favorably just forget him?

Donghae shook his head and brushed his hair before grabbing a can of beer on his way. He had started to get irritated and tired from looking around, and he decided to go to the bathroom anyway. Maybe his head would actually clear a bit after that.

The long hallway was dark, but the music was loud there too and he almost stumbled on few drunken girls on the way. He turned right, to realize that the toilet was actually like a lavatory from any kind of club with two separated rooms for both men and women along the hallway.

His head was hurting when he leaned against the wall to wait for his turn, yet he took a sip from the beer anyway. He closed his eyes for a second, but then he heard the sound of the door opening and he opened his eyes, ready to go on. However, Donghae’s breath hitched when he grabbed on the side of the half-opened door at the same time when his shoulder stumbled against the another one.

He was already on pins and needles with his temperament and might have started an argument with a stranger too, but the guy he managed to shove was actually the one he had been looking for from the beginning.

The almond eyes glanced at him, and it seemed like he had been about to apologize until he recognized who it was he had crashed on. The look in Hyukjae’s dark eyes was unreadable, but Donghae didn’t know what to say when he was finally face to face with the slightly taller boy. But in the end the anger hastily took over his dazed mind and he found himself snarling hatefully towards the male.

“What part you didn’t understand when I clearly told you to ‘ _fuck off_ ’?”

Hyukjae frowned, soon grasping on the act that had once again taken over his project partner. He huffed in annoyance, glaring the other one who was probably drunker than he was. The loud music echoed into his ears, and from his peripheral vision he saw a girl coming out from the other bathroom. He wouldn’t have thought that he’d _actually_ run to Donghae here in the hallway although it would have been more like an exception if he wouldn’t meet him face to face at least once since he had been the one to provoke him anyway.

“I’m pretty sure I have the freedom to go here as I please,” he retorted soon, clicking his tongue. “You seem to be still the same old asshole, though.” His eyes were narrowing and slowly getting darker. Nevertheless, he found himself looking Donghae up and down again although he tried to hide it under his irritated expression.

“ _What?_ ” Donghae was biting his lip, already tasting the bitter iron inside his mouth when Hyukjae started to turn his back on him.

Even he wasn’t thinking so clearly anymore, when Donghae’s general gist was already breaking through his calm and he couldn’t stop himself from letting out words that would obviously only provoke the other to no end.

“You’re still the same. An asshole.  _A coward._ ”

The anger fired up inside him, and Donghae snapped.

He leaped to grab from the red head’s shoulder which had already started to distance from him, and he violently shoved him against the wall, taking a hard grip from the front of his shirt.

Hyukjae closed his eyes when his head met with the wall. The air partly blew out from his lungs.

“What the hell is wrong with  _you_? Stop talking shit about me!” Donghae then snarled. He was clearly outraged from Hyukjae’s words; like he had assumed to happen yet the tattooed male still said what he said. But the red head only snorted at him, tilting his head to the side and glanced Donghae under his eyebrows almost in the same way, daringly, like he did a week ago.

“Me?”

“Yes, you!” the brunet hissed, “You don’t have the  _rights_  to keep saying those things about me.  _Fag_.”

Hyukjae gritted his teeth. He hated it when the matter of someone’s sexuality was used as a name-calling and verbal abuse although he had learned to ignore those kinds of things – but especially now, from Donghae’s mouth, it made him mad. He was a bit tipsy himself and the alcohol at least didn’t lessen the blaze of his own temperament at all whilst being provoked.

Donghae was strong, but in their drunken state Hyukjae managed to push him against the opposite wall.

“If you can use that word against me, shouldn’t I be free to use it on you too,  _huh_?”

“You fucking—“

“Fag?  _You’re_  a fucking  _coward_  to use that on me!”

“Shut up and fuck off!” Donghae tried to push the red head off from him, but at the moment the all alcohol he had taken was making him powerless. He wasn’t strong enough to push him all the way further, yet his fingers tightened their grip on Hyukjae’s shirt desperately.

“Then  _why_  did you cry when I asked you? Why did you look at me like that then? Do you think I don’t know what it’s like?” Hyukjae growled quietly in a way so no one would hear. He actually would have just preferred to talk with Donghae, but the brunet wasn’t making it very easy for him.

“ _Shut the fuck up!_  You don’t know a shit—you  _don’t_  know what it’s like! You don’t know what it’s like to be  _me_!  _You don’t know!_ ” Donghae’s words had started to slur when his mood was taking a full turnabout from anger to frustration. “I fucking want to hate you!  I hate  _everything_  about myself already! Do you get it? Do you! So why can’t you just disappear? Why can’t you believe me and fuck off!”

The tattooed one was a bit taken aback from the outburst and the sudden turn on Donghae’s mood. He wasn’t simply despising Hyukjae anymore; he was clearly telling him that he had been right from the start. He almost went speechless, yet he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Although Donghae was almost confessing the matter he had been so sure about, he was still pretty much in denial, and Donghae was being unfair about it all.

The brunet didn’t know how many times he had cried alone, bottling up his tears after hearing all kinds of sick words coming even from the people he  _loved_. He didn’t know many times he had been hurt to the gut, or how many times he had been the eyesore for people to pick on. He didn’t know how hard it had been for him; how much he had hated himself as much as Donghae was now, and how many times he had asked for forgiveness for his parents, and how much he had wanted to die at certain point in his life.

He didn’t realize how hard he shook the brunet against the wall, and how the slightly shorter boy’s eyes watered by that when he spat; “You don’t know what shit I’ve been through either, bastard!”

Angered by the pain, Donghae bit his tongue, and with that his fist rose up and he tried to hit the read head straight to the face. But his moves were too slow and lousy, and Hyukjae managed to dodge the blow fast enough.

The more drunken one of them was nearly raging because of that. He felt so weak in front of Hyukjae’s judging eyes, and he only knew the low way to defend himself.

“I’m not a fucking faggot like you! I’m not gay, I’m not! You’re the disgusting piece of human shit! Get your dirty hands off—,” he growled deep from his throat, almost managing to kick Hyukjae’s lower stomach and push him off, but the red head was much clearer from his head than him; Hyukjae was tired of fighting like this, so he hastily picked the someone’s forgotten glass of beer and without another thought poured it over Donghae’s head.

It was a miracle that the music was so loud, and the hallway dark and long to prevent the other people from stumbling on to their fight.

The golden liquid drained along Donghae’s short hair, over his face and soaking his black shirt and leaving the distinct smell lingering on his skin, when he stared, flabbergasted, back at the male with the empty beer mug on his hand.

He looked literally confused, and almost like someone had managed to wake him up from his dazed and brainless state; yet his mind was still just incoherent blur when Hyukjae was staring back at him, almost panting from his own anger. However, the single-lidded eyes looked at him differently. Donghae wasn’t sure if the other was actually looking relieved, or if his confusion was making the other feel accomplished.

Donghae absent-mindedly brushed his hand through his damp hair, glancing to the other who would have just tamed the wild animal he was. But the changed expression on his face was now making it really hard to breathe, and the brunet’s senses picked on to the fact how close he was; how he could honestly feel Hyukjae's hot breath tickling his beer-drenched lips, and how he suddenly forgot all the things he had just said to him, and how  _he_  was instinctively pulling Hyukjae closer by the front of his white button-up shirt.

How much he  _wanted_ him despite everything he had done.

When the taller noticed how Donghae was staring back at him with such flaming in his darkened brown eyes, he felt how his own breathing got slightly harder and his insides were turning upside down, leaving him hanging with the nervous fluttering when his own gaze wandered to thin, wet lips that would probably taste like beer.

The brunet couldn’t get his eyes off from the slightly swollen and reddish lips of Hyukjae's who had most likely been biting them during their fight.

His brains were wholly intoxicated by Hyukjae’s close proximity, and when his eyes met the latter’s unreadable ones, he wasn’t really aware that he was actually leaning and pulling the red head closer. They were already so close that their noses were almost brushing and he felt the hot breath on his lips when he suddenly caught someone calling his name in the distance, and his whole posture went rigid.

“ _Goddammit, Donghae! Where the fuck are youuu—?_ ”

Sungmin’s slurring voice boomed inside his head, and with wide eyes he pushed the male further away from him, like he was literally wakened up from a thick spell.

“G-get o-off!” he hastily stuttered, before stumbling backwards away from the boy, who was a bit awkwardly leaning against the wall he had been pushed against, and looking back at him almost as baffled as Donghae was before the brunet ran away from his sight.

 

         

_...what the hell just happened?_

 


End file.
